The AList: New York Expressions of Love
by sissouthernink1994
Summary: How does one express love? Is it expressed when we sleep? Is it expressed through children, marriage vows, trust, encouragement? Maybe it's expressed in the simple choice to express. Come to New York and find out. Now complete!
1. Intro

Expressions of Love

**Summary:** Love expresses itself in a variety of ways and there are too many to mention. The couples in this story will show you six of them.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the songs or quotes mentioned. I do not own Logo TV or The A-List: New York.

**Warning:** This story is about six male couples. There is one chapter with reference to non-con (rape). Rated T for adult situations and language.

**A/N:** Two things inspired this story. One of them is the men from Logo TV's reality show "The A List: New York". If you haven't seen this show, find it and catch up so you will be ready for season two. You'll also be ready for the shows coming from other cities. It follows six prominent/popular gay men in New York City. Which is why they are A List.

1. Reichen Lehmkuhl- Former Air Force pilot forced to serve under Don't Ask Don't Tell. He is also a model, public speaker, owns Naked Pilot jewelry line (available at www (dot) TheReichen (dot) com), actor, singer and author of "Here's What We'll Say."

2. Rodiney Santiago- Brazilian model, boyfriend of Reichen.

3. Mike Ruiz- Celebrity photographer and video director.

4. Ryan Nicklaus- Celebrity hairdresser and owner of Ryan Darius Salon. Ryan and his husband Desmond (no last name mentioned) were legally married in the state of Massachusetts. Desmond works in finance and is described by Ryan as his "Mr. Big". Ryan hit the jackpot- a rich black man.

5. Derek Saathoff- Agent of models

6. Austin Armacost- Model and instigator (What? Every show has one.)

Minor characters of the show:

1. TJ Kelly III- A redhead with heart and attitude. He is Ryan's best friend and assistant.

2. Jake- The Irish guy engaged (now married) to Austin.

The other inspiration is the song "Expressions of Love" by Raul Midon. I love this song! I love the way it's written and sung. And Stevie Wonder is playing harmonica. Who wouldn't love that? The only unfortunate thing is the song is only 2:47 long. I wish it were longer. It can be found on Raul's album "State of Mind" available on iTunes and Amazon.

This story also features prompts from the Fan Fic 100 and Sex Prompt 100 lists. I haven't done much with either of these. A quote, song or both along with the prompt further inspired some chapters. Hope you enjoy; reviews are cool and appreciated.


	2. Rodiney and Reichen

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the songs or quotes mentioned. I do not own Logo TV or The A-List: New York. I don't own the comic strip "Arlo 'n' Janis", Skype, the song or Google Translate.

**Warning:** None for this chapter. Just kinda fluffy.

**Rating:** T

**A/N:** Translation in parenthesis.

Chapter 1: Rodiney and Reichen

Prompt: Fan Fic 100 #84- Out Cold (Alternate title- Roll)

Inspiration: Arlo 'n' Janis comic strip published on 11/16/2000 illustrated by Jimmy Johnson.

Summary: Sometimes it is in the comfort of sleep that we are protected the most.

Rodiney was the first one home. All three of his photo shoots had ended earlier than expected. No one likes to shoot three different campaigns in one day, but it was avoidable. Since they did end early, he had the chance to stop by his agent's office and pick up three new jobs for the rest of the month. He also got the chance to do a little shopping, first to pick up a couple of dress shirts and some slacks that he had been eyeing. Then picking up items for dinner and flowers, just because. Before all of that, his morning started with a rigorous boot camp workout with Reichen.

Rodiney hung up his coat, unloaded the food items, laid his new clothes across the bed and reentered the kitchen to prepare dinner. The cat ran in and out of the kitchen every time the can opener whirred. Rodiney got the hint and fed the cat. About three hours later Reichen came home, mentally exhausted from his meetings and interviews. Rodiney was sitting at the computer in their makeshift office space. He was talking with his parents via Skype in Brazil. Reichen leaned over to give Rodiney a kiss and heard the following words:

"_Olá filho, bem vindo a casa_ (Hello son, welcome home.)" The familiar voice was Rodiney's mother.

"_Oi, mamãe.__Como você está?_ (Hi, mama. How are you?)" He replied in Portuguese.

"_Estamos muito bem querida. Como você está?_ (We are fine sweetheart. How are you?)"

"Uh… _Estou cansado e com fome_. (I'm tired and hungry.)" They laughed.

"_Seu Português está a melhorar. __Bom trabalho!_ (Your Portuguese is improving. Good job!)"

"Dinner is ready if you want to eat now."Rodiney said.

"Good. I'm going to eat, I'm starving."

"_Bom apetite_ (Enjoy your meal) Reichen." Replied Rodiney's father.

"_Obrigado. __Adeus papai._ (Thank you. Bye-bye papa)." Reichen made his way to the bedroom to change clothes. Rodiney continued talking with his parents for a few more minutes then ended the call.

They joined up in the kitchen. Rodiney hugged his boyfriend as he exhaled deeply releasing the troubles of the day.

"Everything is ok?"

"Yes, it is now. Today's bad vibes are gone and I'm here with you." Rodiney reached up to kiss Reichen and heard his stomach growl as they kissed. They laughed.

"Come on. You need to eat."Rodiney handed Reichen a bowl to fill with soup as he got the salad from the fridge. They sat at the dining room table with a pitcher of Rodiney's favorite new discovery: sweet tea.

"So how were your shoots this morning?"

"They were good. Fast. They ended early."

"All of them?" Rodiney nodded. "That's unusual."

"I know, but I'm glad. I went shopping."

"I saw. I like that blue shirt. I think it will look great on you."

"Yes, it's why I buy it." They both smiled. "So, how was your day?"

"Meetings. You know how those go." He replied as he wiped salad dressing from his mouth. "Everything was good until Austin popped up out of no where. I swear he must have a built in GPS."

"What? When this happen?"He asked, taking a sip of his tea.

"I was leaving the jewelry meeting and heading to my first magazine interview and he was outside the building."

"He's like a stalker. It's ridiculous."

"I know. And it wasn't even like he wanted anything important. Apparently he had sent me several texts and I didn't answer."

"You were in a meeting."

"Exactly. All he really wanted to know was if we could hang out. And when I mentioned spending time with you, he flipped. I mean literally flipped. He was all 'when are you gonna hang out with your friends' and 'why does he have to be included' and I was like are you serious? Rodiney is my boyfriend. We've both been busy and out of town lately and we just want to spend some time alone. If Jake were here, you'd feel the same way. And he was like 'well, he's not here is he'. I just had to walk off. It was a dumb conversation, getting dumber by the second."

"He's so…I don't even know what to call him anymore. Maybe he should go where Jake is." Rodiney said.

"Well, they messed that up with the immigration lawyer. I'm sick of it, you know? I know he doesn't like you but I can't change my life or who I love just to please him. We have our problems, like any other couple, but we have to work them out on our own. His instigating is not helping. It's ruining what's left of our friendship."

"He's friends with everyone else. And I know you want to be with your friends, but I can't be around him. It's not good."

"And I don't want you to be. We'll just have to find a way to ignore him and let him mature." Reichen said.

"However long that takes."

* * *

The rest of the evening was spent with the two of them answering Twitter questions and watching a movie. Long before the movie ended, Rodiney's head found its way to Reichen's shoulder and his eyes closed. Reichen kissed his forehead. After a while, the news was going off and he tried to wake him up.

"_Namorada_ (sweetheart)" he whispered as he shrugged his shoulder to wake Rodiney. "Wake up." Rodiney fluttered his eyes and barely looked at Reichen. "Come on baby. It's getting late; time for bed." Rodiney sat up and stretched. He looked at Reichen with a sleepy expression and stumbled as he tried to get up. Reichen laughed a little as Rodiney headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Reichen set about closing up the apartment for the night.

A very sleepy Rodiney Santiago made it to the bathroom. After using the toilet and washing his hands, he began to brush his teeth. Reichen joined him, but before he could, a cell phone was ringing.

"Is that mine or yours?" Rodiney asked. Reichen listened at the ringtone.

"I think it's mine." He said as he laid his toothbrush back on the bathroom counter. "Ugh…it's late. Who's calling this time of night?" He left the bathroom to answer his phone.

Rodiney stumbled to the bedroom taking off his clothes, leaving on his t-shirt and pulling on his comfortable pajama pants. His phone was already plugged up. He knelt on his side of the bed to say his nighttime prayers, in Portuguese. In his words, were prayers for his family, Reichen and his family, a better understanding of friendship and for Austin to get a life and to leave theirs alone. A friend once told him that when he started praying and dreaming in English he was on his way to being a true American. He wasn't there yet. He made the sign of the cross and stood up to stretch. After pulling back the covers, he crawled into bed and was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

A few minutes later Reichen came into the room. He was excited to tell Rodiney that his morning meetings had been cancelled and that they could sleep in. But he was already asleep. Reichen changed his clothes then knelt beside the bed to pray. As he crawled in, he leaned over and kissed his lover, whispering good night to him.

12:03 a.m. - The Spoon

He snuggled next to Rodiney, which was how they usually slept, and slid his left arm across Rodiney's waist. And as if on cue, Rodiney seemed to lean back into Reichen's chest, feeling the comfort and protection.

2:17 a.m. –Royal Hug

Rodiney turned to his left, leaving him sleeping on his back, face up. Reichen's arm held its position, with his chin now on Rodiney's shoulder. Rodiney's right hand came to rest on his chest. Somehow, his fingers found Reichen's and they linked.

3:30 a.m. - Loose Tether

Reichen turned to his left, which moved him to sleeping on his back. For just a few moments, both men were sleeping face up. Then Reichen continued to turn left, ending up on his side. His hands slid under his pillow. Rodiney's head turned to his left and his body soon followed. His nose landed in the middle of Reichen's back.

4:48 a.m. – Royal Hug Variation

Nature called for Reichen and he left the bedroom for the bathroom. Upon his return, he slipped back into the bed, lying on his back. He soon found the head and hand of his handsome Brazilian on the right side of his chest.

"You ok?"Rodiney murmured.

"Yeah, just had to pee." Reichen replied as he placed his right hand on Rodiney's back. And they drifted off.

6:30 a.m. – Honeymoon Hug

The alarm clock on Reichen's nightstand began to beep. A groggy Reichen reached over to turn it off. The compromise of sleeping next to the person you love is the alarm clock that's supposed to just wake them up, wakes you up as well. Rodiney woke up and was preparing to be left alone in the bed when he noticed that Reichen wasn't getting up. He gently shook him.

"Reichen, are you getting up?" Reichen turned his head towards his lover and yawned.

"Not this morning." He turned to his right (faced Rodiney), put his arms around his waist and pulled him close. "My manager called last night and said that my morning meetings had been cancelled. So I get to sleep in with you."

"Mmm, it's good." Rodiney replied as he yawned. Reichen nodded.

"Mmm, very good." They kissed, snuggled closer together and went back to sleep.

_**Roses are red,**_

_**Violets are blue,**_

_**Nothing's as sweet,**_

_**As rolling with you.**_

_**

* * *

**_

**A/N2:** I collected this Arlo 'n' Janis cartoon in 2000 because I thought it was cute. Who knew I was going to share it with someone else? Anyway, below are the websites I used as references for the sleeping positions. If you didn't know before, FF doesn't like us to use the at symbol or web addresses outside of our profiles, which is why it's written so funny.

www (dot) jurgita (dot) com/articles-id-1580 (dot) html

www (dot)associatedcontent (dot) com/article/61687/what_your_sleeping_positions_tell_you (dot) html

www (dot) sheetudeep (dot) com/funny10 (dot) html

I used Google Translate for the Portuguese. If you speak Portuguese and none of it looks correct, please let me know because Google will owe me an apology.


	3. Ryan and Desmond

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the songs or quotes mentioned. I do not own Logo TV or The A-List: New York. I don't own any of the baby products mentioned.

**Warning:** None for this chapter.

**Rating:** K

Chapter 2: Ryan and Desmond

Prompt: Fan Fic 100 #46- Family

Inspiration: "If I Could" by Regina Belle

Summary: The greatest gifts from God (besides His son Jesus and salvation) are children. A baby makes three.

Ryan and Desmond excitedly exited the car. Ryan carrying the baby bag, Desmond the baby carrier.

"Are you nervous?" Ryan asked his husband.

"Very. Are you?"

"Oh yes. My hands are shaking so bad. I'm scared I'm going to drop her."

"We'll be fine." Holding hands, they entered the hospital and made their way to the nursery. Once there, they saw their Surrogate Counselor waiting for them. She was smiling.

"Good Morning, gentlemen." She said reaching out to hug them.

"Good morning honey. How are you?" Ryan asked.

"I'm good and so exited for you guys." She hugged Desmond.

"Where's Kay? We have a gift for her." Desmond said.

"She checked out a little over an hour ago. I can take the gift to her if you want."

"Oh, I wanted to hug before she left. I hope we didn't scare her off. We've had a good relationship so far. Did she not want to stay?" Ryan said with disappointment in his voice.

"It's combination of things. Adoptions are like this as well. Sometimes the birth mother doesn't want to see. I doubt you scared her. I think this time was harder for her then she expected." The couple nodded.

"Well, we're ready to take her home, if she's ready to be discharged."Desmond said.

"She is." The counselor said. The nurse came over with papers for them to verify and sign. After signing, the nurse let them into the nursery and over to the crib their little girl was in.

"Hi, baby girl." Ryan cooed. She looked up at her fathers and smiled. "Are you ready to go home Miss Michaela?" She grabbed Des's finger as he kissed her forehead. "Des, look at her. She's so beautiful." Desmond smiled as he placed the carrier on the table and prepared it for their daughter. He carefully picked her up from the crib and placed her inside the car seat, buckling her in. She squirmed a bit.

"I know sweetie, you're not used to that but you will be." Desmond said. Ryan kissed her and replaced the pacifier she spit out.

"I'll walk out with you." Their counselor said. They waved good-bye to all of the nurses and staff and headed for the parking lot. Once Michaela was strapped in, Ryan sat next to her. They thanked the counselor again and headed home.

* * *

It was a typical New York traffic day, which meant busy streets, accidents and lots of stopping traffic. Little Michaela was asleep before they left the parking lot. Ryan just held her little hand as she slept.

"Do you think the dogs will be jealous?"

"I'm sure they will be. It will probably be a few weeks for we can let them all be in the same room." Desmond replied. "I'm just hoping she's not allergic."

"Well, we do have the HEPA filters and only a rug in her room. So dog hair shouldn't be a problem." Traffic came to a stand still about 15 minutes from their apartment.

"And now we wait."

"I don't know if I trust myself driving in this crazy traffic with her in the car."Ryan said.

"You'll get used to it baby. You have to."

"I'm so scared that I'm going to forget something when I have her with me. I'll end up on the news or something." He sighed. "And what if she doesn't like us? What if she cries all night because she'd rather be somewhere else?"

"There will always be a paternal biological bond between the two of you like there will always be a maternal one between her and Kay." Desmond reassured. "And she and I will bond in our own special way. You're being paranoid over nothing honey."

"No, there are people who run into those problems everyday."

"She's just three days old. She's barely aware of herself right now. Ryan, calm down. We are going to be great parents or else we wouldn't have decided to do this. Michaela is going to have a great life with us. We're going to be the best parents we can be to her."Ryan sighed.

"You always seem to know what to say."

"And that's why I'm you're Mr. Big."

"Yes you are."

* * *

Once the trio arrived at their building, Ryan's nerves seemed calmer. Michaela was home. She was still sleeping so Desmond placed her in her crib. She moved a little, trying to get used to her unfamiliar surroundings but she finally took a relaxing breath and went back to sleep.

"How precious is this?" Ryan asked as he and Desmond hugged each other.

Ryan took a picture with his cell phone and sent a message to family and friends that she was home and resting. They were going to have a welcome home dinner on Sunday so everyone could meet her. Desmond agreed that he should share the picture via Twitter, to let Ryan's fans in on their joy. And also, to encourage gay couples everywhere that children could be in their futures.

About an hour, later Little Miss Michaela woke up. It was time for lunch. Ryan warmed up a bottle in the bottle warmer. The husbands decided that they didn't want to warm up bottles in the microwave. Desmond brought her into the living room, talking to her the whole way.

"This is our living room where we spend time with friends and watch TV. And this…" he said taking her over to the windows of their penthouse. "is New York City. The busiest, noisiest, most culturally beautiful place on planet Earth." She seemed to be looking out of the window. She seemed to be intently listening to Desmond's voice.

"Here you go baby." Ryan said as he handed the bottle to his husband after checking the temp. Desmond walked over to the couch where Ryan had prepped a few pillows to aid while they were learning to feed her. Des tried his arms in a few positions before choosing one and then he was able to feed Michaela. Ryan took another picture. He couldn't help it; this was something they wanted for a long time. "You two look so natural together." Ryan commented.

"I told you we'd bond in our own way. She'll come to know that she has two dads that love her very much."

"And she can call one daddy mommy, if she wants." They laughed.

The rest of the night had gone pretty smoothly. Michaela had been changed and fed a few more times. She received her first bath. Ryan nearly cried through the whole event. He knew it would become routine soon enough, but he had to cherish every single new moment they were sharing as a family. After another feeding and diaper change, she was down for the night. They were trying to establish a routine for her, making it easier for all of them.

It was nearly 11 when the couple was getting ready for bed. Ryan made a couple of bottles of formulas for the night and reviewed his schedule with TJ, Michaela's guncle (gay uncle). Des spent time washing the tons of clothes Ryan and others had bought. They spent a great deal of the evening on the phone receiving well wishes.

"What time do you think she'll wake up?" Des looked at the clock.

"Probably about 2 like most babies. I'll get up with her if you want."

"No, no. I'll do it. Just wondering."

"Don't be nervous honey. She'll wake up when she's supposed to and we change and feed her when we're supposed to. Everything will be fine; this is our new life now."

"I know and it's feeling more wonderful by the minute." Ryan replied, feeling assured once again that this newness would soon be routine.

As predicted, the baby monitor provided the sounds of a crying baby at 2:11 a.m. Ryan sat up and stretched. He grabbed his housecoat, slippers and headed to their daughter's room. Little Michaela was moving her little arms and legs around showing her discomfort. Tears rolled down her little chubby, angelic cheeks. Ryan got a bottle from the mini fridge they placed in the nursery and set it into the bottle warmer. This would save trips to the kitchen in the middle of the night. Then he went over to her and rubbed her tummy, letting her know there he was there.

"Hey, baby girl. I'm here. Let's see if you need changing first." He checked her diaper and she was indeed very wet. He changed her then picked her up into his arms. Her crying lessened a little. Very little. "Ok, little one," Ryan said as he walked over to the bottle warmer. "Your bottle is ready." He grabbed it and walked over to the must have rocking chair he picked out for the nursery. It was a sturdy one with a higher seat than most. The cushions were already in the chair, waiting for the caring soul who was going to rock the baby. Ryan found a comfortable position and began feeding Michaela.

"There, I bet that makes you feel better doesn't it?" He gently rocked her. "You know, your daddy and I are so glad that you are finally here and home with us. I promise you that we are going to do the best we can to raise you as a proper young lady. Oh, I can't wait until our first shopping trip." Michaela looked up at Ryan raising her eyebrows as if to say, "what's shopping?"

"Oh we will have so much fun! Nothing but the best for you my dear. Shoes, purses, hats, couture anything. You name it, you shall have it. Yes, daddy loves us like that, you'll see. We've got him wrapped around our little fingers. It didn't take you quite as long but I'll show you the real ropes when you're old enough." He paused in feeding her, making sure everything was going down properly. "We finally have our happy family." As he resumed Michaela's feeding, he continued talking to her.

"Have you noticed the differences in me and daddy yet? We are two different races, but that's ok. We love each other and plenty of people of different races love each other too. And you may have noticed that we are two boys. Well, I'm a little girly like you so if you want to you can call me mommy; I won't mind." Ryan smiled at that thought.

"Daddy and I love each other very much and when you get older you'll discover love too. Some little boy is gonna break your heart one day. When he does don't be afraid to love again; it happens to everyone at some point in their life. On the other hand, it could be a little girl. She could break your heart. You're blessed that you get to grow up in a society that is more accepting and respecting of the GLBT community. That stands for Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual and Transgender. You'll learn more about it as you grow older too. Things were different for daddy and me. It will be easier for your generation. Whoever you decide to love, we'll leave up to you." Michaela showed signs that she was full. Ryan removed the bottle and moved her into a position to be burped. "We'll try the shoulder and see how that works." He placed her there and gently patted and rubbed her back. He heard a few little burps. "Anymore in there?" He asked. He placed her on his knee sitting up right and leaning on his hand while he patted her back. She had a few more burps and was done.

He cuddled her back into his arms to rock her back to sleep. She grabbed onto his index finger and cooed at him. Ryan was absolutely loving this moment. He wished he could film them so everyone else could share in his happiness, but very few would actually feel what he was feeling. Michaela sucked on her pacifier as she looked at Ryan smiling at her.

"You know, I'm trying very hard not to map your life out for you. But I can't help it. I have so many hopes and dreams for you. I'm already picturing your wedding. I will be doing your hair, of course. Like I would trust this precious head to anyone else. TJ can do your nails. Mike can be the photographer. I don't know who will design your dress. And you will wear a dress; I won't compromise on that no matter _who _you're marrying. And daddy will walk you down the aisle. Why daddy? I'll be too nervous sugar. We'll be the prettiest girls in the whole place." He said.

He looked down at the little bundle in his arms and she was fast asleep. He checked for sure using the arm test. The faster the arm fell, the deeper in sleep the baby would be. Resistance meant the child wasn't completely asleep. Her arm fell quickly. Ryan carried her back to the crib and tenderly laid her down. She sighed and looked as if she was going to open her eyes, but she didn't. He stood there for a few minutes more, admiring her. Their precious baby girl.

Once back in bed, he snuggled close to his husband and felt Desmond wrap his arm around him.

"Everything's ok. Made it through her first night's feeding and changing." Ryan said as he yawned.

"I know. I heard."

"What?" Then it dawned on him. "I forgot about the baby monitor."

"So you being nervous is the only reason I get to walk her down the aisle?"

"No, not really. If she wants us both, she gets us both. It's just that someone has to sit down and look pretty during the ceremony. Why not let it be me?"

"And there's no compromise on the dress?"

"None, what so ever."

"Well, let's put the wedding plans on hold a bit and see if we can get her through the family meet and greet on Sunday and the grandparents' visits this week."

"We can do it; we'll be fine." Ryan said, yawning again. "I'm gonna ask for advice on how to deal with teenage girls. I'll let everybody write down in a book."

"Why now?"

"Maybe if we study it enough, by the time we get there, it will make sense." Desmond laughed.

"Yeah, I can see your first fight now. She'll be trying to wear something short or inappropriate to school."

"Probably. And yours will be the party you refuse to let her go to with the boy-"

"Or girl-"

"Or girl that you don't like."

"One day she'll understand that we love her and want the best for her. Just like we did." The husbands smiled as the thought of the future brought loving dreams to their minds.


	4. Mike and Ray

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the songs or quotes mentioned. I do not own Logo TV or The A-List: New York. I don't own any products or songs mentioned.

**Warning:** Contains mentions of non-con (rape).

**Rating:** T for language and adult situation

Chapter 3: Mike and Raymond (Ray is a friend of mine from college who played on my senior recital with me. Personally, I don't think he'd date someone Mike's age, but for this, I think they are perfect together. Artists in their own way and in love. Anyway, it's my story and I'm sticking to it.) Also, there's a crossover with Law and Order: SVU.

Prompt: Fan Fic 100 #36- Precious Treasure (Alternate title- Beloved)

Inspiration: "You're Just My Life" by Smokey Robinson and from his album "Time Flies When You're Having Fun".

Summary: "The world may not even recognize your name

You may not have fortune and fame

The world may not even recognize your face

But I believe because of you it's a better place

You're the wonder in what's wonderful to me

You're living proof that loving truth was meant to be"

-From "You're Just My Life"

Photographer Mike Ruiz stretched in his sleep and turned over. This stretch felt strange to him because when he stretched he usually bumped his into his husband's leg. This time there was no bump. Mike opened his eyes and saw that he was alone again in bed. He listened quietly to see if he may have been in the bathroom but decided against it when he felt how cold the sheets were. Instead of water in the bathroom, he heard the familiar sounds of the piano.

Mike walked down the hall and stood in the door of his husband's small, but efficient office/music room. Raymond was totally engrossed in his music. He was scoring his first feature film. It was a small indie film, but there were plans to enter it into several famous film festivals. Sometimes those underrated movies ended up being blockbusters and winner major awards. He stood in the door and leaned on the frame.

"So is the muse waking you up or keeping you up?" Raymond looked up at his husband and sighed.

"Keeping me up. Too much noise?"

"No," Mike replied as he entered the room. He walked closer to his workspace and sat in the chair. "I just woke up cold and alone."

"I'm so sorry." Ray replied. "But I just wanted to get these pieces written. What time is it?"

"After four." Ray winced at the time. He didn't realize that it was that late. Or early. "When are the pieces due?"

"At the end of the month." Ray stretched. "I made good use of my time though. I finished the three I started last week. And I wrote two extras. I just have a feeling that I'm gonna need some extra stuff."

"Are you satisfied with they way they sound?"

"Oh yes. Especially this one." He clicked on a file and waited it for it to start. "You can listen to this while I go to the bathroom and get some water." Mike sat back in the chair and listened to the piece. Mike didn't know much about music except what he liked and how he could envision it for the videos he directed. Ray was the same way with photography. But they supported each other. They asked questions about what they wanted to know and learned from each other. Raymond came back into the room with his bottle of water and watched his husband listen to the song with his eyes closed. As he sat down Mike opened his eyes.

"It's beautiful baby. You think this one will make the cut?"

"I don't know. I hope so but if not, it's ours."

"Ours?"

"Yeah. I named it 'Beloved', after us and how we feel about each other." Ray leaned over and kissed Mike.

"Wow. That's so sweet baby. Our own song. Have you written any others for us that I don't know about?"

"A few. I'll let you hear them some time."

"Could you make a CD of music just for us? Something that we could just listen to or make love to?"

"All instrumental?"

"If you want."

"Sure, I can make us some music. You saying we need something else to listen to?" They chuckled.

"I'm just thinking of how our lovemaking could be enhanced by your own music."

"Yeah, I can write a piece about your muscles and how they feel under my hands."

"That's what I'm talking about." Mike smiled. "Come on music man. It's time for you to rest your mind and your fingers."

"Ok." Ray replied reluctantly and began backing up his files so he could turn off everything. He turned off all of his equipment and the light on his desk. Mike grabbed his hand and led him out of the room, making sure he would not go back in. Ray put his pajamas on, placed his glasses on the nightstand and crawled into bed. Mike pulled him into his arms kissing him. He pulled the covers over them and they snuggled close, warmth and love lulling them to sleep.

* * *

Later that morning, after the sun had come up, both men were up and getting ready for the upcoming day. Even after showering, Ray stumbled into the kitchen in a zombie like state.

"I was going to ask if you wanted tea, but I see coffee is in order for you."

"Hmmm, yes and the stronger the better." Mike placed the hot cup of coffee in front of his husband. His closed his eyes and savored the aroma.

"Breakfast?" Mike asked.

"Yes. I'll have whatever you're having please."

"Omelets and toast?"

"Sounds good." Ray replied. He walked over to the counter and grabbed a banana to eat while waiting. "What's on your agenda for today?"

"Well, I've got a couple of meetings, one small photo shoot and a few photo reviews. Might be a light day today." Mike was preparing the eggs. "What about you?"

"Well, we are supposed to meet with the producers, engineers, cinematographer, and the director today. They're supposed to be listening to our musical selections and start making some decisions on what to use."

"When are you applying for your copyrights?"

"I'm mailing them today. When it comes to awards season, if anything of mine is nominated or wins, I will be the only person making the speech. Not the movie people."

"Do you think any of your music will be used?" Mike asked as he put the bread in the toaster.

"Well Darrel, the director heard two of mine that he wanted to use in some panoramic views and one he thought might be good in an action scene. He wasn't sure if he wants it in a fight scene or car chase."

"So three pieces maybe out of how many?"

"I've written 15 in anticipation with three more to complete. It will be 18 all together."

"That's a lot and you're not even sure if he's going to use them." Mike placed their breakfast on the table along with some jelly from the fridge.

"If he doesn't that's fine. As long as they are copyrighted, I can use them for whomever, whenever I want."

"Even your own CD? As an independent artist?"

"I hadn't really thought about that." Ray said as he took a bite of his toast.

"I could do a couple of videos for you. You can put them on YouTube, get them played at some local stations. And you know what ever is playing in New York, L.A., Atlanta and South Beach is what's going to be all over the country."Mike took a sip of his coffee.

"I'll think about it."

"Oh and don't forget we're supposed to meet Liz and Dale for dinner."

"I totally forgot. Where and what time?"

"Red Dragon about six or so."

"I should be done by then. What's the 10th anniversary gift?"

"Tin or aluminum, I think."

"Tin or aluminum? Sounds cheap."

"Did you have something in mind?"

"Not really. I could probably find something though."

"I already have a card and I'm gifting them a photo shoot." Ray laughed.

"How sweet! _That_ should be an interesting shoot." Mike looked at the clock on the wall.

"I need to get going babe." He stood up and placed the empty plates in the sink. "Let me know if you need help finding something. And not too much coffee today. I know you're still sleepy; I can see it." Ray stood and stretched.

"I will try my best to be alert on my own. Maybe _you_ could help me get to sleep tonight." Ray suggested as he stepped closer to his husband and placed his hands on Mike's chest.

"Oh yeah? And how do you propose I do that?"

"Ah, I'm sure we can come up with something."Ray gave his husband a kiss that quickly deepened. Mikes hands moved from Ray's waist to his buttocks. Then he reluctantly pulled away.

"You keep this up we won't be going anywhere." He smacked Ray on the behind. "I love you and I'll talk to you in a bit, ok?"

"I love you too." Mike left the kitchen to gather his things and be off to work.

Ray called the people he was working with to make sure the meetings were still on. After finding out they still were, he packed up the things he would need. He wasn't at all nervous. He was confident that the people in charge of the film would love his music and use all of it. But first, he had to stop by the post office to mail his copyright forms.

* * *

Once Mike was at the studio it was full on business. The photo shoot ran long but it evened out because the people coming to view their photos afterward were very late. He managed to fit in a couple of consultations between lunch and a meeting. He and Ray had had a few short conversations through out the day. Mike was anxious to see him after the film people had heard all of his music. He wanted people to hear Ray's heart and thoughts. It always sounded so beautiful to him, why not share it?

Across town, Ray was having an excellent day. He was able to actually see some of the scenes from the movie. These scenes would have his music playing in the background and could possibly be available on the soundtrack. While riding the subway, he managed to look up info on a 10th anniversary gift for Liz and Dale. He had a store in mind where he might find what he was looking for. That would have to wait a bit. He was anxiously waiting to hear which of his pieces would be used. He was so excited that he called and texted friends or family for support and to help keep him calm.

As the day wore on, Mike was happy that he and Ray were going out to meet Dale and Liz for dinner. It was always encouraging to be out with couples who had been together for quite a few years. There was a mutual understanding about marriage- paying bills, shopping, family, finding space in the schedule for quality time. Dale and Liz were celebrating ten years together. He smiled that in a few years, it would be him and Ray. In just a few months, they could celebrate their 5th anniversary. Ray said he wanted a small party. Mike just wanted something special for Ray.

As he walked to the restaurant, Liz and Dale were standing outside waiting for him. They hugged Mike and he hugged several other friends who were joining them. He asked if Ray was there and no one had seen him yet so Mike gave him a call. He got the voicemail and left a message.

"Maybe he's on the train and doesn't have a signal. I try again in a few minutes." They stood outside talking and laughing. After about 20 minutes, Mike was getting concerned.

"When did you last talk to him?"Liz asked.

"A little after three. He was leaving the studio and heading to buy you guys a gift."

"Do you think he's still shopping?"Asked Preston.

"No, he was pretty sure about what he was going to get and where he was going to get it. I don't know what's going on."

"Do you think he went home to take a nap?" Dale suggested.

"I didn't think about that. Let me check." He called home and the voicemail picked up. "Voicemail. I wonder where he could be. It's not like him to be late and not call. Now, I'm really worried."

Mike got an uneasy feeling in his stomach. He tried calling a few more people who would have seen him through out the day. No one had seen him since about three that afternoon. He even called the store that Raymond said he was going to. They confirmed that he had been there and made a purchase. Nothing was making sense at the moment.

Then Mike's phone rang and it was a number he didn't recognize. He anxiously answered.

"Hello?"

"I'm trying to find Michael Ruiz. Am I speaking with him?"

"Yes, this is Mike. Who's this?"

"Mr. Ruiz I'm Kelly Franklin and I'm a nurse at St. Joseph's Clinic. Do you know man named Raymond Covington-Ruiz?"

"Yes, Ray is my husband. Has something happened?" Everyone surrounded Mike as the look on his face changed.

"Yes, he has severe injuries from being beaten and possibly robbed." Mike couldn't breathe and he dropped his phone. Dale caught him and Liz picked up the phone.

"Be…beaten?"

"Hello? My name is Liz Howell, I'm here with Mike. Is Ray ok?"

"He will be. He was severely beaten and we have him here at St. Joseph's Clinic. Is Mr. Ruiz ok? Is there anyway you can get him here?"

"My husband is trying to get him to breathe. Yes, we can get him there. Where are you located?"

"We're on Jackson Avenue and O'Neil." Liz looked up at the street signs.

"Uh…I think we're just a few streets over. We're on our way. Can you tell Ray we're coming?"

"Yes, I will."

"Thank you." Liz hung up Mike's phone. "Mike, are you ok?" There were tears in his eyes at the thought that someone could have hurt his husband.

"Somebody hurt him. I can't imagine…"

"I know honey." Liz comforted. "The good thing is that he's alive. We're just a few streets over from where he is. Preston and Andrew took the train. Give them your keys 'cause I know you can't drive right now. We'll walk and everyone will meet us there. Ok?" Everyone nodded and went their ways. Ben and Amelia stayed with Liz and Mike as they crossed the street headed to the clinic a few streets over.

* * *

They rushed to the front desk of the clinic. The nurse looked up and knew who Mike was before he even spoke.

"Mr. Ruiz?" He nodded. "Come with me." She led them down a hall to some chairs.

"These are my friends and there are a few more coming. We're supposed to be having dinner and waiting for Ray…when you called." His voice trailed off.

"That's fine. I'll let the doctor know you're here. Your husband is getting X-rays right now. You can wait here and I'll send your friends back when they get here."

"Thank you." Mike replied. They all sat in the uncomfortable chairs and waited. Dale, Preston and Andrew joined them about 20 minutes later after finding parking places.

"You guys ok?" Dale asked.

"Just waiting. We haven't seen the doctor yet." Liz replied. A few minutes later, a doctor appeared with two detectives.

"Mr. Ruiz?" Mike stood.

"Yes?"

"Hi, I'm Dr. Bowen. These are the detectives who responded to our call."

"I'm Detective Olivia Benson and this is Detective Tutuola. We're from the SVU."

"SVU? What's that?"

"It stands for 'Special Victims Unit'. And we investigate crimes of sexual nature." Replied Detective Tutuola. For the third time in less than an hour Mike's heart felt like it was swimming in his stomach.

"Sexual nature? I thought he was just beaten and robbed? What…what happened to my husband?"

"Your husband says that he was raped." Det. Benson said. Everyone gasped and their jaws dropped with shock. "And it looks like there is sufficient evidence to prove it." Mike's knees gave out underneath him. Dale and Ben helped him back to his seat.

"Raped? What?" He shook his head in disbelief as fresh tears flowed. "Raped. Oh my God, who could do such a thing?"

"I know this is difficult Mr. Ruiz, but I need to ask you if you know a Paul Graham, K.J. Woods or a Devon Thomas?" Fin asked. Mike's head was in his hands, tears falling through his fingertips. He thought for a moment.

"Yea, they're his friends, coworkers. He's working on a movie with them. He's writing the music for the score and soundtrack" He sniffed as the tears continued to fall. "Why do you ask?"

"He's says that they are the ones who raped him and he's filing charges." Det. Tutuola said.

"What? They're his friends. Why would they _do_ that? Why would he _say_ that?"

"We do have evidence that your husband was raped. Our other partners are on the way to pick them up for questioning. We've put a rush on the DNA so we can make a match the evidence in the kit."

"Oh God, I just…I can't get my head around this. My husband was raped _and_ beaten by his friends? People he trusted? This makes no sense." Olivia's phone rang and she excused herself to answer it. "I don't know what to think."

"Well, your husband is getting an MRI right now. We've looked at preliminary X-rays. We'll have some more done. He'll also have a CT scan. He was fortunate. With that many assailants, we always see broken bones. There are no major cuts and no broken bones. No cracks to his skull and no swelling in his brain. But he's bruised everywhere."Dr. Bowen said.

"From what?" Ben asked. Everyone could see that Mike was too distraught to ask questions.

"Possibly from being kicked while being held down or laying on the ground. There are visible shoe imprints on his clothes and his body." Everyone winced. "The MRI is to help detect the severity of the bruising to his organs. We're checking for damage to his kidneys, spine, lungs and brain. We want to make sure there isn't any internal bleeding, especially in his kidneys. More bruises will present themselves in the next couple of days and he will probably be extremely sore for about a week. He has a few small cuts in his head and a busted lip. All those will be stitched up. The left side of his face and both hands are swollen. His eye is almost swollen shut. No broken facial or hand bones."

Mike went pale as the first injury was reported and became paler with each one called after.

"The few cuts on his face look like they came from his glasses being broken. He may have a bruised pelvis and tailbone from being held down and the actual rape. We are also running blood tests now. We must follow a protocol concerning rape victims. It tests for STDs, HIV and Hepatitis B and C. We'll give you a schedule because he will have to come back and get tested again." Olivia came back to the group.

"Do you have any idea what kind of movie they were working on?"Mike shook his head no.

"Today was the first time he was going to see any scenes. But he seemed so happy and pleased with what he saw when I talked to him. He was going to tell us all about it at dinner." Mike wiped his eyes.

"Why does is matter?" Dale asked.

"They found kiddie porn on the computer at Devon Thomas's apartment. We've got some leads and some witnesses on where the other two might be. The CSIs will take the evidence and process it." She reached into her pocket and handed Mike her card. "If you hear of anything before we get to talk with you again, please call. If you have any questions, please call." Fin gave Mike his card too.

"Thanks." Mike said and the detectives left.

"The MRI should be done in about 20 minutes. Dr. Pen is suggesting a Doppler Test to check for blood clots. She says she saw something in the first MRI that concerned her. That will probably take about an hour once the machine is available. We'll keep you updated. If you can't reach me, ask for Dr. Shepherd. He's my resident." Mike nodded.

"Thanks Dr. Bowen." Preston replied. Everyone took a collective sigh. They were relived that Ray was alive, but nobody expected this. Mike's phone rang and he gave it a sad, hurt look.

"Oh God, it's dad. I can't talk to him right now."

"I got it." Dale said as he took it from Mike and stepped away for privacy. Preston, Andrew and Ben went looking for food for everyone.

"My poor baby." Mike whispered. Liz and Amelia tried their best to comfort him. It was all anyone could do.

* * *

About three hours later, Ray was wheeled back into the ER where they began to stitch him up. The nurse wanted the couple to wait, but they each insisted on seeing each other. Mike braced himself for what he was about to see, but nothing could have prepared him for what he did see. Raymond's beautiful brown skin that Mike loved to see against his own, was black, blue and purple. He covered his mouth with both hands to keep in his scream, but his tears did it for him.

Ray had to look at him sideways with his right eye; the left was now swollen shut. His swollen hands trembled from fear and exhaustion. Mike immediately went to him and gently embraced him so he wouldn't cause more pain. Ray barely spoke above a whisper and with that, Mike could hear that his voice was hoarse and almost gone.

"Shhh, I'm here baby. I'm here." Ray buried his head into Mike's chest and his tears flowed. His body shook as he cried. Ray held onto Mike and grabbed his shirt as if his attackers were coming to rip him out of his husband's arms. Mike had never been in this situation before; he didn't know exactly how to comfort him. But Ray's words told him that he was doing the right thing.

"You're here. I'm here with you. I thought I was never gonna see you again. I thought…I tried with all I had… to fight…I tried to fight them off…I thought…" He sobbed. "I thought they were gonna kill me. Oh…God…"Mike managed to get him to calm down enough to look at him.

"I was so scared when I didn't hear from you, couldn't get you on the phone. I had no idea what had happened."

"Mr. Covington-Ruiz I'm ready to stitch up the wounds on your head now. I need you lie down on your side so I can apply the local anesthesia."Dr. Shepherd said. Mike turned to leave so the doctor could do what he needed to do. Ray grabbed his hand, pleading for him to stay. "It's fine sir. You can stay. There's a stool over there." Mike grabbed the stool and held Ray's hand as he sat.

"I have to tell you what happened."

"Now not baby; save your voice. You can tell me later; just relax so he can stitch you up."

"No, now. I have to tell you now."Mike silently nodded as Ray began to tell him what happened with the little voice he had left. During that forty-five minutes and tears flowing from both of them, Ray let his husband know what his so-called friends had done to him. They have even gone shopping with him. They pulled him into the alley, far enough where the crowd couldn't see and first beat him to submission. And when he could no longer fight them off, they raped him. All three of them. Mike helped him sit up and Dr. Bowen came in.

"Well, everything looks good considering what you've been through. I have prescriptions for you. Would you prefer our pharmacy or your own?"

"Our own." Mike replied and wrote down the number.

"Ok, I'll call these in and you can pick them up on the way home. Your friends outside would like to come in and see you if you're ready." Ray nodded. "I'll let them know." A few minutes later their friends walked behind the emergency room curtain. Ray gave a weak smile when they all came in. Everyone was trying not to show too many emotions, but these friends were like family and there was no way the emotions could have been stopped. Tear stained faces gave gentle hugs and kisses of comfort.

Ray pointed to his computer bag telling Liz and Dale that their gift was in there. Liz found a 9"X6" aluminum box with a decorative top. Inside the box was the word "Friends" formed in silver script, covered with diamonds and sapphires and a daffodil at the end of the word. Everything was representative of 10th anniversary symbols. More tears followed.

"It's beautiful." She whispered.

"I'm sorry about dinner." He squeaked out.

"Oh, please don't worry about it." Dale said. "We would much rather know that you are safe and sound." Liz nodded in agreement. There was a knock on the wall outside the room. It was Det. Tutuola.

"Is it ok if I come in?" Mike looked at Ray and they both nodded. "I wanted to give you an update. We got all three of them. One has already confessed. There are a lot of charges coming their way based on what we found in their apartments. We already know you had nothing to do with the kiddie porn so you don't have to worry about anything."

"Thank God." Amelia said.

"Who confessed? And did he say why he did it?" Mike asked.

"Devon Thomas confessed. He said he was jealous of your relationship with your husband and wanted a taste of what you have. His own words. Not sure about the others yet." Ray shook his head and sighed. "We'll probably have some more questions and have you make positive ids sometime tomorrow. All stuff you can do at home. I know how much you'll need your rest. I also wanted to give you this." He pulled a card out of his pocket. "I know you haven't thought about counseling yet but this a great person to see. I've been in this situation and it's not easy to go through."

"Your wife?"Mike asked, looking at the detective's ring. Fin shook his head as he fingered his ring.

"No, my husband. He was kidnapped and raped by an ex-boyfriend he helped to put in jail. This Dr. Lawson-Andrews is awesome. She only works with rape victims and their spouses. She helped us a lot. We might not have gotten married if she hadn't helped. We were a real mess."

"Thanks."

"Here's some advice and I know this will sound so common sense, but when the memories come- talk about them. Don't sit in silence; it'll kill your relationship. By filing charges, you're stepping up where so many men won't. They don't report their rapes. Thanks for being brave. When you get ready, please give her a call." He left as Dr. Bowen was coming back in.

"Here is the prescription list. We've already started him on the emergency protocol meds. The directions are here. The others are painkillers and a mild sedative to help with sleeping. Your muscles will heal better when you're asleep. His HIV testing schedule is here." He pointed to it. "I would like to see him back in three days just to check for infections, see how the stitches are healing and to check the swelling. That's all I have right now. I'm so sorry we had to meet under bad circumstances gentleman. If you have questions, please call me."

* * *

It was close to 2 a.m. when the husbands arrived home. Liz and Dale insisted to following them home to make sure everything was ok. Getting the medicine was the longest wait for Ray. The pharmacist couldn't release the meds without a consultation. So Mike and Liz went into the pharmacy while Dale kept Ray company in the car. Ray was visibly tired and falling asleep in the car. It was going to be a difficult task to get him into their apartment.

In the end, Mike was glad Dale hung around. Ray's legs and ankle were in so much pain that he couldn't walk without assistance. They got him into the apartment and led him to the bathroom. Mike thanked Dale and told him that he would call later. Mike thought a shower would be quicker for Ray but seeing as he was having trouble standing; it was out of the question. He started the bath water and Ray asked if they had extra toothbrushes. They did. While Mike left to get pjs, Ray brushed his teeth. The taste of vomit, semen and stomach acids were all over his tongue. Mike entered the bathroom with the clothes to find Ray brushing too hard and stilled his hand.

"Not too hard baby. You'll make your gums bleed. I know you wanna get that nasty taste out." Ray finished and threw away the brush. He rinsed his mouth and was finally starting to feel better. Mike helped him out of the hospital scrubs the nurses found and slowly into the water.

Mike hadn't seen the full extent of Ray's injuries and bruising. Now he was going to have a hard time getting the image from his mind. The hot water was soothing to Ray; the hotter the better. He hoped that the germs and nastiness of his attackers would just burn off his body. He had to call them attackers because friends just didn't do what they did to him. Mike knelt besides the tub, tenderly washing Ray's back. He helped Ray wash the areas that he was too sore to reach.

When the bath was done, Ray sat on the toilet lid while Mike applied the muscle cream. Both were glad that it didn't have a horrible smell. Ray was helped into fresh clean clothes. As he stood, he looked in the mirror at his eye, which was still horribly swollen, and his hair. There were now plugs, missing sections where his hair had to be shaved in order for his wounds to be stitched. He had spent a long time growing his hair into the natural style it was in; not quite an afro, not quite dreads. Mike loved Ray's "ethnic hair" as he called it. But there were too many plugs.

"Can you call Kevin for me please and see if he will make a house call? I can't look at me like this." Mike nodded.

"Yeah, I'll call him." Mike washed his hands form the cream. "Do you want to try sitting in the living room or the bedroom? You have to have food on your stomach before you can take these meds."

"The bedroom. I don't feel like a lot of moving."Mike helped him get comfortable in the bed. This would be the first time that they would use all the fluffy decorative pillows on the bed. "Should I call my parents now or wait?"

"I'd wait and call them later. My dad may have already called them. I'll check the messages later. I'm going to make you some tea and bring you some water. You can read these." Ray was handed the pamphlets that came with his meds so he could read their purposes and possible side effects. A few minutes later Mike returned with a tray that had sandwiches and fruit for them both. Ray was able to eat everything. A hearty appetite was a good sign. Although he would probably wake up super hungry anyway. He took his meds and sipped his tea as his body really began to feel the exhaustion.

The doctor had prescribed the weirdest ice pack either of them had ever seen. It was made to strap on to the side of the head to aid in reducing the swelling. Once it was in place and the tray was taken away, the couple tried to get comfortable in bed. Ray liked to fall asleep on his left side; that was going to be a problem tonight. But he was going to try it anyway. The icepack turned out to be a decent cushion.

Mike is the type of person who liked to make jokes to see people smile. He wanted so much to make their situation lighter; they needed to smile. But there was nothing he could do to ease them out of the hopeless, helpless feeling they had. Before Ray drifted off to sleep, he whispered something to his husband.

"Thank you."

"What are you thanking me for honey?"

"For being there and taking care of me. I know this isn't going to be easy. So I'm thanking you now for those days when I can't. I'm thanking you now for those nights when we'll have trouble sleeping."

"You don't have to thank me baby. It's in my job description as your husband. Sickness and health. I take care of you because I'm supposed to; I vowed that I would. I take care of you because I Iove you."

Ray had managed to find a comfortable spot, leaning slightly on Mike's chest, his arms around him. And whether it was physical exhaustion or the medicine, he was asleep before he knew it. Mike held him in his arms and prayed. He was thankful that Ray was safe, thankful that the attackers and been caught, and thankful for real true friends.

* * *

**A/N2**: I had no idea that this was going to be sooo long! Gotta follow the Muse. The others might not be this long.

Three down, three to go. Up next, Derek!


	5. Derek and Ashley

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the songs, products quotes mentioned. I do not own Logo TV or The A-List: New York.

**Warning:** None for this chapter.

**Rating:** T for some language

Chapter 4: Derek and Ashley (Ashley is another friend of mine from college. Ashley is his middle so we all called him J Ashley. He loves the Tennessee Titans. If they were to throw a Super Bowl party together, Ashley would be watching the game and Derek would be watching the party. They also smoke. Ashley is a middle school band director but for this, I imagined him as a businessman in an awesome business suit. Again, it's my story and I'm sticking to it.) Derek says he's looking for an older man who has money. I think Ashley fits. And he really does look good in a suit.

Prompt: Fan Fic 100 #35- Hold My Hand (Alternate title- Trust)

Inspiration: "The Closer I Get to You" by Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway.

Summary: Letting go of insecurities allows one room to accept new blessings.

Tonight Derek Saathoff was having dinner with a nice gentleman who he had been having dinner and going on dates with for about two months straight. Derek enjoyed his company. They had great conversations. And Derek thought he was incredibly handsome. The gentleman had even asked Derek if he wanted to be more than friends; Derek had yet to give an answer.

**Two Months before…**

He and Ashley met at a charity function. They were standing near each other. Ashley was actually in a conversation with other people but Derek couldn't miss his southern accent. He would find out later that it was a Tennessee accent. In between his own conversations, he took time to notice the well-tailored Armani suit. The collar and cuffs of his shirt were monogrammed. If he had worn a tie, it would have been an impeccable one. _He must have a personal shopper_, Derek thought. Occasionally, gentle blues eyes met Derek's and he would quickly look away.

Derek was outside on the terrace mingling with the other smokers when he saw him finish his cigarette and walk back in. Derek didn't know who he was, but he seemed in his element, mingling with all the people. Laughter from the people next to him brought him back to the conversation. After being outside for a while, he wandered back in to the bar to order another drink. The scent of sexy, spicy expensive cologne attacked his senses and made him pause.

"Put his drink on my tab, Ted." The voice said.

"Yes sir. What'll you have sir?" The bartender asked Derek. He thought for a second.

"I'll have an Apple-tini please."

"Make mine a Sweet Martini."

"Coming right up gentlemen."

"Thank you." Derek said and turned to the gentleman. "And thank you."

"You're very welcome. It seemed only fair since our eyes have been bumping into each other all that night that I try to actually bump into you."The bartender placed their drinks on the bar.

"I've never had a Sweet Martini before."

"It has sweet red Vermouth and a cherry instead of an olive. I'm in a kind of sweet mood tonight."

"Why's that?"

"Lots of people are here, supporting the charity and networking. Plus, I found a very handsome, attractive- hopefully single- man standing alone. Let me introduce myself. I'm J. Ashley Jacoby." He said holding out his hand to shake.

"Derek Saathoff. Nice to meet you." Derek said as they shook.

"The pleasure is all mine. I'm happy to know your name." Derek smiled at this.

"And since you were wondering, yes I am single."

"Now that, makes me even happier." Ashley replied with a huge smile on his face.

"Are you always this charming when talking to men?"

"Just the ones who catch my eye. What brings you here?"

"I heard about this charity from a friend of mine, Reichen Lehmkuhl, and he suggested that I come. I'm glad I did."

"Oh I know Reichen. We're worked together on some things before when I lived in L.A." Ashley took a sip of his drink. "Did you have a chance to make your donation?"

"Yes, I did."

"Good. Are you having a good time?"

"Most definitely. I love the atmosphere here! And it's such a beautiful place. I'm going to recommend it to all the photographers I know. It would be a great place for model shoots."

"Is that your industry?"

"Yes, I'm an agent. Some of my models are in some of the hugest campaigns all over the country and in Paris and Milan."

"Sounds like you're good at what you do."

"I try my best. What about you? What's your industry?"

"I work in the industry of getting things done."

"Logistics?" Ashley shook his head no.

"Nah, it's way beyond logistics. I'm the CEO of J & B Associates. I'm the J."

"J &B. Family company?" Ashley nodded. "I've heard of that but I don't know anything specific that you do."

"That's because we do it all. We have a law firm, companies that make medical equipment, TV and radio programs and stations. We own a couple of record companies, construction companies. We make dishes, silverware, toys. You name it, we probably do it."

"Wow, sounds like it keeps you pretty busy."

"It does. Two years ago, I started to change my middle name from Ashley to 'business meeting in 5 minutes'. I depend heavily on the heads of the departments. I look at report after report. I'm on business calls all day. That's why I like events like these. I can get a chance to relax a little."

"And have you been relaxing?" Derek said as he sipped his Apple-tini.

"I haven't thought about a single report or e-mail since I saw you walk in the room."

"There's that charm again." Derek replied, smiling.

"You're smiling; I must be doing something right. Have you had anything from the buffet?"

"No, not yet."

"Shall we?" Ashley asked as he held his arm out to guide Derek there.

"Sure, why not?" They walked over to the buffet and were handed plates. Once their plates were filled, Ashley suggested they sit at an out of the way table. It was much quieter than the others were although they were still able to see all of the people walking and talking. As Ashley sat, he made sure he sat where all of his attention would be focused on Derek; he didn't want any distractions.

"I detect a very southern accent. Where are you from?"

"Nashville, Tennessee. What about you?"

"Kentucky, but I've lost my accent. I seem to pick it up when I go home though." They laughed at that.

"Mine seems to stand out most when I'm exhausted or frustrated. So I have to keep it under control when I'm talking to our foreign partners. The southernisms start appearing."

"Oh, I know exactly what you mean. I may not have much of my accent but those southernisms never go anywhere." Reichen saw Derek, waved at him and he walked over to the table.

"Hi Reichen, how are you?"

"I'm good." He replied as he and Derek hugged. "Ashley, good to see you man." He said as they hugged.

"Good to see you too Reichen. It's been a while. How long have you been in the city now?"

"Almost two years. You?"

"Going on six. I moved shortly after we worked on that project for UCLA. The B in J & B died and the heirs didn't want to run the company, so I had to step up and take over per the will."

"Wow, so I guess you're loving it here."

"New York's been good; I can't complain."

"We should get together sometime and talk shop."

"Yes, we should."They exchanged information by beaming from their phones.

"I'll let you guys get back to dinner. Hope to talk to you soon."

"You too Reichen." Ashley couldn't see Reichen's face, but he gave Derek a thumbs-up.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Absolutely." Ashley replied.

"Does it bother any of the other companies you work with that you're gay?" Ashley laughed a little at that.

"None have ever said it has."

"I know you have a professional voice, but it is a little gay and I was just wondering."

"No one has ever brought it up. I doesn't matter to me if they know I'm gay or not. I am and I don't make any apologies for it. Either they want to work with J & B or they don't. My sexuality has nothing to do with my job."

"I was just wondering. I work in fashion all the men I've met are gay; it's just kind of expected. I never thought about how it would be outside of fashion."

"I'm not worried about it. If they won't do business with us because I'm gay, then we probably don't want to do business with them anyway."

The two continued their conversation and found out just how many people they knew in common. It left them both wondering why they hadn't met until tonight. By Derek's calculations, they should have bumped into each other for the first time three years ago and almost every other weekend since then. Maybe tonight was the night they were supposed to meet. Can't control destiny much.

The charity party was still going full swing. The place was packed for a Tuesday night. Ashley looked at his watch and noticed the time. He needed to leave soon so he wouldn't miss those early morning meetings. He didn't want to go, but as CEO, he had to show responsibility, even _if _some of his employees would be coming in late the next morning and hung over.

"You really have to go?" Derek was putting on his best pout, hoping it would get Ashley to stay at least another hour. Maybe they could take a turn around the dance floor.

"Yeah. As soon as I walk in my office tomorrow, I'll be minutes away from a meeting."

"I was hoping we could get to talk some more."

"Let's exchange contact info." They beamed their information to the other's phone. "What are you doing this Friday night?"

"I'm supposed to be judging a contest at this club. Then probably hanging out with my friends."

"What about Saturday?"

"Nothing that I know of."

"Would you like to have dinner with me? I can pick you up about 7:30 and we'll see what the night has in store for us."

"I'd love to! Fancy, casual, fun- just let me know."

"Ok." Derek put forth his hand to shake but to his surprise, Ashley didn't. "I'm very glad we met tonight. You made a very pleasant evening, even better." Ashley brought Derek's hand up to his lips and kissed it. Derek blushed deeply.

"Such the southern gentleman!"

"Just the way my daddy and granddaddies raised me to be." They said good night and Derek felt like jumping. He ran outside to quickly have a cigarette to help calm him. When he came back in, he saw Reichen and Rodiney.

"So, how did it go with Ashley?" Reichen asked.

"OMG Reichen! He's so handsome. And we just had the best conversation I've ever had on a date. Except it wasn't really a date. And he kissed my hand at the end."

"Reichen says he's a keeper." Rodiney commented.

"Oh, I hope so."

"Yeah, if you caught his attention enough to drag him away from fundraising then he's really into you. He never, _**ever**_ leaves the fundraiser for anybody."

"He asked me out for Friday but I'm judging your contest."

"Oh, I could have found someone else, even last minute, if you wanted to go out with him."

"No, it's ok. We're going Saturday instead. Oh, I still can't believe he kissed my hand." Derek went home to cloud nine.

The rain the next day made the time at the office drag on and on. TJ and Ryan were coming to take him out to lunch. When they walked into his office, TJ was holding a vase full of yellow roses; some were naturally kissed with red on the tips of their petals. Derek was surprised when TJ set them down on his desk.

"Oh, you brought me flowers! How sweet! What's the occasion?"

"Um…no, we didn't bring the flowers and there's no occasion, on our end anyway. The delivery guy came in right as we did and since we were coming back here to see you they asked if we could bring them back." Ryan said.

"I wonder who's sending me flowers." Derek asked.

"Mmhmm, that's what we want to know. Spill it Sister." TJ said.

"Must be a client. They send me stuff all the time." He reached for the card, saw his name on it and smiled with shock as he glanced at the bottom of the note to see who sent them.

"Oh, look Ryan. It must be good, just look at that smile." TJ arched his eyebrow in interest.

"I'm looking, I'm looking. Care to share sugar?" Ryan asked Derek.

"This guy- this amazing, handsome, sexy guy I met at the charity function last night."

"Well, let's hear what he said." TJ urged. Derek read the note aloud.

_**Dear Derek,**_

_**I'm hoping the rain hasn't ruined your day. In case it has, I hope these flowers will make you smile. I'm so glad we met last night. I smiled all the way home. I'm looking forward to seeing you Saturday night and calling, texting and getting to know you in between. Until I can place another kiss on your hand…**_

_**Ashley**_

"A kiss on the hand?" TJ exclaimed. "What's _**that**_ about?"

"He kissed me on the hand before he left last night."

"A southern gentleman?" Ryan asked.

"Absolutely. And not far from home; he's from Nashville, TN."

"OMG, you are going to be unbearable aren't you?"TJ commented.

"I'm gonna try really hard not to be. I don't think I want to jinx this one by messing up the karma."

**Two months later…**

"Dessert?" Ashley asked.

"Oh yes! Something with chocolate please."

"You decide." Derek looked at the dessert menu Ashley handed him to see if anything caught his eye.

"Let's see…there's chocolate cheesecake, turtle cheesecake, triple chocolate cake. Oh, here's something interesting called chocolate insanity. I think that's the one. But you have to share; I don't want to eat it all by myself." Their server had come back to the table ready to take away their dirty dishes.

"We'd like to order dessert. One chocolate insanity for two people and I'd like some coffee please."

"Can you make it two coffees please?" The server wrote it down and took away the empty plates.

"So chocolate is a favorite huh?"

"Absolutely. Isn't it everybody's?"

"Well, I'm partial to deep dish apple pie myself. My grandmother's recipe has cranberries mixed in with the apples and a pecan crust."

"Sounds delicious. So who makes the pie now?"

"My mom, my sisters, my aunts. And I do when I get the chance."

"You've never made it for me."

"It's not an everyday kind of pie; special occasions only. Maybe one day I will." The sever brought the dessert with two spoons.

"I forward to it. Until then, I'm craving chocolate."

"So am I." The two gentlemen slowly savored the dessert. It was a chocolate cake, with chocolate mousse between the layers. There were bittersweet chocolate sprinkles on top of the mousse that crunched like pop rocks. Dark chocolate shavings covered the coffee flavored whipped cream; both adorned the top of the cake slice. Two small scoops of chocolate sorbet and a handful of raspberries pooled around it on the plate.

"Wow," Derek whispered closing his eyes. "This is sooo good."

"Mmm, I know. Sinfully good." Ashley replied. The two cherished the dessert in silence for a few minutes. Ashley took a spoonful of the sorbet with a raspberry on it and slowly fed it to Derek. It was definitely a sexy, sensual move. He blushed and smiled. "I like the way you look when you're happy."

"You can tell I'm happy?"

"Yeah, there's this… glow on your face that radiates your smile." Derek wasn't aware he glowed when something made him happy. He was impressed that this busy executive would notice something as small as that.

They finished dessert. Ashley paid the bill and they decided to go for a walk along the pier. Their hands seemed to bump into each other and their fingers found themselves intertwining. Derek found himself smiling more and more when his thoughts turned to Ashley. He was a gorgeous, highly intelligent, rich, gentle man who was truly A-List (even more so than Derek was) and he was interested in Derek. And it wasn't about sex. Ashley really cared for him and Derek could feel it. He cared for him too, but was afraid to take that step.

Both men enjoyed looked at the Hudson at night. Ashley had an absolutely beautiful view from his luxurious condo. They had sipped dessert wine on the terrace watching the sunset and the moonrise over the Hudson. It was a cool, cloudless night and the almost full moon seemed to float on the river. Derek leaned on the wooden fence and took in the beautiful sight.

"The moon looks amazing tonight." he said.

"It really does, doesn't it?" Ashley came to stand behind Derek, admiring the slim and handsome young man who had captured his fancy. He noticed that Derek was shivering a little. The night air was chilly, but it was probably chillier since they were right on the river. Derek had on a thin sweater but it wasn't helping much. "You're shivering. Here, take my jacket." Ashley removed his jacket and placed it on Derek's shoulders.

"What about you?"

"I'm fine. I think my sweater is a little thicker than yours is. Besides, my body temperature always rises a little when I'm near you." Ashley replied. Derek gave him a surprised look. He had never heard Ashley mention having felt that way about him.

"You sure?"

"I'm positive. Just don't go anywhere; my keys are in the pocket." They laughed a little. Ashley's heart was beating so hard and so fast that he was sure Derek would be able to hear it. He gently slid his arms around Derek's waist and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"What's that for?" he asked. He leaned back into the embrace and could feel Ashley shrug.

"Do I need a reason to kiss a handsome man?"

"There you go with that charm again." It made Derek smile when Ashley did or said things like that.

"I feel that I have to constantly fine tune it with you. It's kinda weak at the moment." Derek turned to face him.

"Why makes you say that?"

"If it was stronger then we would be in a relationship, we'd be a couple instead of two people who are just seeing each other."

"I just don't know about being in a relationship right now. I don't want to get hurt again. I was so hurt by boyfriends and men trying to be my boyfriends and nothing seemed to work out."

"So why not give me a chance? I don't hurt people; I can't. I can't hurt someone the way I've been hurt."Ashley pulled him a little closer to him. "I could never hurt you."

"I just…I don't know. And you know how I am. I can be a bit of a bitch!"

"I know, I've seen it." Derek covered his mouth.

"Wait; have I been a bitch to you?"

"I don't think so."

"Oh Ashley, please tell when I am. I need to know; I can't be that way with you. If I have been I'm so sorry."

"You've haven't baby. You are assertive, which means you stand up for yourself. You are blunt at times, letting your feelings known. Which is why I'm confused." The puzzled look on Derek's face showed that he had no clue. "You won't stand up for yourself regarding love. You won't let your feelings known; you won't tell me what you want."

"I haven't been clear?"

"Not really. I know what you're looking for in a man and a relationship. I know you care about me, but what I _don't_ know is if you care enough to be in relationship with me. Because you know, I do want to be in a relationship with you." Derek hung his head. He tried so hard to avoid these conversations. He wanted love, but letting go and the risk of getting hurt was scaring him. Ashley kissed his forehand.

"If you just want someone that you get along with to go out with you, to be seen with, let me know. I don't have a problem being that for you. Even if we ended up as Friends with Benefits, I wouldn't have a problem being that for you either. But that's not what I want and I have a feeling that you don't either." Ashley placed his index finger under Derek's chin and raised his head so they were now looking into each other's eyes. "Think about it."

"I do think about it, a lot. I _do _care for you and I _do_ want to be in a relationship. But I'm so afraid of being hurt again. It's a trust thing."

"Do you trust me when I say I'm going to pick up you and we're going to have a great time that we will?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you pick me up and we always have a great time together."

"Did you trust me when I said that you would like shopping at the places I suggested?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I did enjoy it."

"You trusted me when we went on that helicopter ride. I told you that I wouldn't let anything happen to you and it didn't; you held my hand the whole time."

"I was scared shitless. And I was afraid I was going to fall out."

"But you didn't. I asked you to trust me and you did. So what's so different now?" Ashley's voice remained caring and loving as he spoke to Derek. Tears welled up in Derek's eyes.

"I don't know." He said as the tears trickled down his cheeks. Ashley pulled him closer; he wiped a few tears away with the pads of his thumbs.

"I know this is a huge step for you, knowing what you've been through. But think about this, letting go of your insecurities allows you room to accept new blessings. Suppose this new blessing is the chance to fall in love?"

"Leaps of faith are not easy for me."

"I know and you're not alone in this. But I am excited about the chance to fall in love and even more so that I could fall in love with you." Derek looked away as his tears continued to fall. "You can trust your heart to me, Derek. I promise you that. I will never hurt you."

"But how do I know that?" He asked as he wiped his tears with the back of his hand. Ashley thought a moment.

"Let's try this. Say yes to being my boyfriend tonight and in three months if you don't feel a part of this relationship or have different feelings all together, we'll wish each other well and try our best to part as friends." Derek sniffed and gave a confused look.

"What?"

"Let's give it three months. By that time, you will know for sure if this is what you want and where you need to be. And if not, we'll go our separate ways."

"Knowing how you feel about me now, you would walk away if I said I changed my mind?"

"If that's what you feel you need for your life, then yes."

"Why?"

"Because if you aren't happy, that would mean you're hurting and I don't want you to hurt. I don't want to be the cause of that hurt."

"Nobody says stuff like that; nobody does stuff like that."

"I'm willing to be that person, if that's what you need."Ashley whispered.

"Ashley I...I just..."

"Give me a try Derek, give us a try. Give yourself the chance to fall in love. Three months is all I'm asking."

Derek looked into Ashley's blue eyes. There he could see warmth, care, and concern. He could see trust. Most importantly, he could see the chance of a lifetime- the chance to fall in love.

"What if, after three months things are good? What if after a year, I feel differently?"

"Same rules apply. If you're not happy, you're hurting."

Derek laid his head against Ashley's shoulder and sighed. Ashley knew the severity of this request. He knew how uncomfortable this first step was going to be, but he waited patiently and let Derek decide. He placed a tender kiss on his intended's temple and to his surprise, Derek looked up. Their lips met in a compassionate and understanding kiss. The kiss deepened when it allowed their tongues to feel each other and arms wrapped around bodies. When the kiss broke, Derek seemed to have his answer.

"Three months?" Derek whispered.

"Three months." Ashley responded as he kissed the last of Derek's tears away.

"Ok, I'll take the chance of a lifetime. Let's be boyfriends and if in three months neither of us is happy then we'll part."

"All I want for us is the chance. If we take the first step, Love with do the rest."

* * *

Up next everyone's favorite assistant TJ and a celebrity boyfriend...wonder who it could be?


	6. TJ and Adam

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the songs or quotes mentioned. I do not own Logo TV or The A-List: New York. I don't own any of the songs or products mentioned.

**Warning:** None for this chapter.

**Rating:** T

Chapter 5: TJ and Adam (Adam is the one and only Adam Lambert. Check out my fic on him called "If This World Were Mine").

If you follow TJ Kelly on Twitter (at TJKelly10) or on Facebook, then you know he has had body image issues in the past and is now on the road to accepting himself more than ever. Also, if you've ever read anything on Adam as a teen, he had body image issues as well. Here is a conversation in rhyme between Adam and TJ. I hope I've written it clearly enough so you can tell who's speaking.

Prompt: From MSW (Murder She Wrote) Workshop (jesmaine dot tripod dot com /mswworkshop dot html) #59 Discover

Inspiration: "Beautiful, Loved and Blessed" Prince featuring Tamar

Summary: "Self-acceptance gives you the much needed energy and freedom to grow."- Anonymous

Mirror, mirror in front of me

Tell me, tell me what should I see?

Am I truly the person everyone believes me to be?

Words used to describe me in detail…

Skinny, scrawny, slim

Ginger, redhead, loud, gay.

And sometimes the more things change the more they stay the same.

Words used to describe me without fail…

Chubby, fat kid, blondie,

Loser, ugly, weirdo, gay.

And now some of those who bullied me are at my shows screaming my name.

Mirror, mirror in front of me

Tell me, tell me what should I see?

Am I truly the person everyone believes me to be?

Now that I'm a man, these words should be just that- words.

But they hurt so like the sharpest of the sharpest swords.

Look in this glass, what is your view?

I see who they knew, becoming new.

People see what they want to see,

It doesn't even matter if it's really me.

But you were made by The Almighty,

He created you from His heart,

And when finished, He broke the mold apart.

You are a unique piece of art.

Mirror, mirror in front of me

Tell me, tell me what should I see?

Am I truly the person everyone believes me to be?

Believe in yourself; see your own beauty,

Don't worry about what others may or may not see.

Cover yourself in love.

I am who I am.

Think what you will, see if I give a damn.

Now you understand the importance of loving you

I see who you _knew_, becoming _new_.

Mirror, mirror in front of me

Tell me, tell me what should I see?

I see the person I believe _myself_ to be.


	7. Austin and Jake

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the songs or quotes mentioned. I do not own Logo TV or The A-List: New York. I don't own any of the products, quotes or songs mentioned.

**Warning:** None for this chapter.

**Rating:** T for language

Chapter 6: Austin and Jake

Prompt: Fan Fic 100 #82- Can You Hear Me? and Sex Prompt #69- Jealousy

Summary: Seeing greener grass on the other side shouldn't make you want to jump the fence. It should make you want to nurture and grow the grass you have.

Austin Armacost flung himself down on the club couch between Derek and TJ.

"Uh, excuse me? I know we're friends but a little room please? Geez." Derek said. Austin rolled his eyes at Derek, crossed his legs and downed his drink.

"Austin, honey I think you should slow down." Ryan suggested. "We've haven't been here an hour yet and that's your fifth drink."

"I'm good." Austin replied.

"Yeah, you say that now but I'm so not in the mood to deal with your drunk-off-your-ass-antics tonight bitch." TJ said.

"Then don't, bitch." Every one gave him a strange look at the tone in his voice.

"Ok, what's going on with you? This is major attitude, even for you." Ryan said.

"Look, don't worry about it." Austin said as he made a beeline to the bar.

"Girl, I do not understand." TJ said as he sipped his own drink.

"I don't either. But I'm with you; I don't want to deal with any craziness either. Ashley is on his way and I want to have a good time."

"Things are going well with you two huh? I'm excited for you!" Ryan said. Derek danced in his seat.

"Me too!" He replied smiling. A few minutes later Reichen and Rodiney came over to greet their friends. As Rodiney was catching up with TJ and Derek, Ryan took a moment to ask Reichen about Austin.

"Have you talked to Austin lately?" Reichen shook his head.

"No, do I need to?"

"I was just wondering. He's in an awful attitude tonight, he's already had five drinks and he's at the bar right now. I don't know what's going on but something isn't right."

"He's probably missing Jake."

"Then why didn't he bring him here tonight?"

"Jake's here? In New York?"

"Oh yeah; you didn't know?"

"No I didn't. Maybe they had a fight or something."

"Maybe."

A couple of hours later found Austin sulking and drunk. He sat defensibly with his legs and arms crossed as if they were guarding his body. Ashley had finally arrived and Derek was off introducing his new beau to friends that were there. TJ had just returned from dancing and sat next to him. Reichen and Rodiney were dancing, arm in arm gazing into each other's eyes, smiling and kissing. Austin was fuming mad and drunk.

"Look at those two." He said aloud, speech slurring. "How could he even think that he could be happy with _**him**_?" Ryan looked over at him.

"Jealously is not a good look for you sugar. Anyway, why didn't you bring Jake? You could be out there dancing just like the two of them."

"It's complicated."

"You could have stayed home and spent some QT with him; it wouldn't have bothered us. I understand completely. When Mr. Big and I need time, we take it."

"Yeah, it's not that. You wouldn't understand."

"Try me. I thought you guys were thinking of getting married."

"We were."

"Have you changed your mind?" Austin didn't answer. "Well, have you?" Austin just shook his head.

"I don't understand what Reichen sees in him! All I can see is a piece of ass. How does he expect to keep a relationship going based on sex?"

"You assume it's all based on sex. I believe they truly love each other. And you should be feeling that way about Jake. He loves you, don't you love him back?" Austin shrugged. **"**Come on Austin. You do love him right?"

"I guess."

"You _guess_? Austin is this why you are constantly after Reichen? Do you have feelings for him?"

"I don't know. Let's just forget it."

"Austin, Reichen and Rodiney are together. No matter how much we hate listening to their drama, it's their drama. They are a couple."

"I didn't get my chance."

"So you're starting all this shit because you didn't get a chance? And you think Rodiney's not a good match for him because you think you're a better one?" Austin got up and left for the bar again.

**At Reichen and Rodiney's…**

"Oh you're going to dance for me?" Reichen asked.

"You want me to?"

"Yes." They laughed and Rodiney began a strip tease for Reichen. He didn't get very far before their doorbell rang.

"It's almost three. Who the hell is at the door?" Reichen asked.

"Maybe the neighbors. The music isn't too loud is it?" Rodiney asked.

"No, it's fine." Reichen went to the door and looked through the peephole. "Oh. my. god."

"Who is it?"

"Austin."

"What?" Rodiney asked as Reichen opened the door.

"Great! You guys are still up." He said walking in and down the hall. "And from the looks of it, I came at the right time- shirts unbuttoned, jeans a little tight in the right areas. Whoo hoo! Let's party guys."

"Party? Austin is three o'clock in the morning. Rodiney and I are having some quality time together. What are you _doing_ here?"

"I came to party. I want to share with you." As he said this, he ran his fingers down Reichen's abs.

"What? You're obviously drunk and you need to go home. To Jake."

"Jake is here?" Rodiney asked.

"Yeah, and probably wondering where his boyfriend is right now."

"Let him wonder. I'm a grown ass man. I do whatever the fuck I want and I came over here to get laid." He said smiling. "Sooo….who wants to do me first?"

"Are you asking for a threesome?" Rodiney asked. "Seriously?"

"Yes! You guys do it all the time, why not let me be the third party tonight?"

"This is crazy Austin! Did you and Jake have a fight or something? Rodiney and I no longer have an open relationship."

"Oh and did you decide on this just now because I want in?"

"No," Rodiney replied. "We decided a while ago."

"In order for us to repair us and concentrate on us, our relationship needed to be just us. No one else."

"Not even for one night?"

"No one else."

"Aw, come on guys. One night. That's all I'm asking. I can finally get what I want."

"Which is?" Reichen asked.

"I get to be Rodiney. Oh not the way he looks. Well, maybe 'cause my muscles aren't that defined yet but what he has. And. He. Has. You."

"This is bullshit!" Rodiney exclaimed.

"You know what Austin, you may not like us being together and I'm fine with that. Really I am. We can just agree to disagree. But I won't have you disrespecting my relationship with Rodiney anymore."

"What like you haven't? Please."

"I mean it. Whatever we've done to our relationship is our fault. And we're fixing it. You should do the same. There can't be an us. I have Rodiney and you have Jake. I suggest you go home to him and talk."

"What if I don't want to go home to him?"

"Well, you can figure that out _outside _of our apartment." Reichen said as he pulled Austin towards the door and opened it. "Good night Austin." Austin sulked and walked out the door.

The sun had come up and it was almost mid-morning before Austin returned to his apartment. He had been out all night, avoiding coming home. But he did and when he entered, he found Jake cleaning the kitchen from eating breakfast. Jakes eyes were bloodshot and he had a stuffy nose, the result of crying.

"What's wrong with you?" Austin asked, nonchalantly.

"Where've been?"

"Out."

"I was worried. You didn't come home. You didn't answer my calls."

"I didn't feel like it. What's it to you?"

"What's it to me? You're my fiancé. We have a responsibility to each other. Or did you forget that?" Austin shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm tired and I'm going to sleep." Austin walked over to the couch, sat down and kicked his shoes off. He took the contents of his pockets and placed them on the coffee table. Then he grabbed the blanket at the foot of the couch, covered himself from head to toe and went to sleep. Jake looked at Austin with disbelief in his mind, pain in his heart and tears in his eyes. He sighed, walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind him.

It was evening when Austin woke up and getting dark outside. He sat up and stretched. The apartment was quiet. Austin stumbled to the bathroom and when finished, he stumbled back out. He mumbled Jake's name but didn't get an answer.

"Jake!" Still no answer. "This apartment isn't that big, there's no place for you to hide. Come on out so we can talk." Silence. Austin walked into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee for his splitting hangover. On the island was an envelope with Austin's name on it. Upon opening it, the beautiful gold band that Austin had given him, fell out of the letter. "Jake?"

_**Austin,**_

_**It's very clear to me that you are so wrapped up in everything else that you don't have time for us. If you want to work in America, fine. If you want to live in America, fine. I support you. What I do not support is you chasing Reichen when we have a relationship. We have plans to get married, not you and Reichen. You and me. But you are throwing it all away. I don't need this and maybe I don't need you. My heart is as broken as the promises you made. We are fixable, if you are willing to let things go with Reichen. Here is your ring. When you decide what you want, you know where to find me.**_

_**Jake**_

Austin was stunned and couldn't believe what he was reading. He immediately ran to the bedroom and didn't see any of Jake's luggage. His clothes, gone from the closet. All traces of his lover were gone.

"Jake…" Suddenly Austin couldn't breathe. He leaned against the wall for support. Tears fell from his eyes. He was in his apartment alone. He was alone. The silence and severity of the moment was broken by the intrusion of the phone on the nightstand ringing. Austin rushed to answer it, stumbling through his tears thinking it was Jake, changing his mind.

"Jake?"

"No, it's Ryan. Austin, honey are you ok?"

"No, Jake's gone."

"I'm sure he'll be back in a little bit." He couldn't hide his tears. "Austin, are you crying? What's going on?"

"Jake left me. He's gone back to the UK."

"Are you sure?" Austin looked at the ring in his hand, the ring that should have been on Jake's finger.

"I'm sure he's gone. I have his ring. He's gone and I have his ring."


	8. Epilogue 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the songs or quotes mentioned. I do not own Logo TV or The A-List: New York. I don't own any of the products, quotes or song mentioned.

**Warning:** None for this chapter. It's all slash. However, if you're reading the Epilogue, then you already know that.

Epilogue Part I

Baby Steps

"Desmond, can you please bring me that other camera?" Ryan called out from the floor of Michaela's nursery.

"What's wrong with the one you have?"

"Something's wrong with the battery." Desmond walked in with the other camera. Their little Michaela clapped and giggled. "I don't think it charged." Ryan handed the bad camera to him.

"Well, it's possible that we have gotten our use out of it honey. They can only be charged so much." Desmond replied. "I liked to think we could've gotten a little more than a year's worth out of it though."

"Me too. But it was a great year, wasn't it sweetie?" Ryan said to their daughter. She smiled at him.

"What did you need it for anyway?"

"Watch this. Michaela, shall we show daddy what we've been working on?" She smiled and laughed again. "Daddy you stand over there and watch our little princess."

"Ok." Desmond stood in front of Michaela and turned on the camera. "Hi Michaela."

"You remember what to do sweetie." Ryan urged. "Give her a minute."

"What is she gonna do?"

"Just watch." Little Michaela, now fourteen months old, pulled herself in a crawling position. But instead of crawling, she began to slowly stand up, on her own. She lost her balance and fell backwards. She tried again, pushing herself up with her hands then sticking them out to balance herself.

"Wow Michaela!" Desmond exclaimed. "Look at you pretty girl." Ryan crawled next to her for encouragement.

"What's next sweetie?" With the concentration of the world on her face, she took a tiny step with her right foot. Desmond gasped with surprise. Trying to maintain her balance, she moved her left foot forward. Another step right and one more left before she lost her balance and fell on her padded bottom.

"Ryan…I can't believe it. Our baby girl is walking. She took three whole steps."

"I know baby. Isn't it exciting?" They watched as she pushed herself up again, and again taking one step at a time towards Desmond and the camera.

"Come this way to daddy." Desmond encouraged. Ryan was crawling next to her, encouraging her as well. This attempt Michaela had taken eight steps before toddling over and laughing.

"Yay Michaela!" Ryan said, clapping and cheering which caused her to clap as well.

The Special Occasion

Derek stretched in his sleep and wondered why he felt so warm. Then he remembered, he had the arms of his boyfriend Ashley surrounding him. He smiled and kissed the bare chest next to him.

"Sleep well?" Ashley asked. Derek nodded.

"I always sleep well next to you. Of course it helps when you love me to sleep too." They laughed. The two lovers were on a vacation in the East side of Tennessee. Ashley had rented a cabin for them just on the outskirts of Gatlinburg. They were going to have a country boy vacation, even though they were now very adapted city slickers. Derek wanted to go fishing; it had been years since he had. Ashley just wanted some piece and quiet away from New York.

That day, they had gone on a nature hike with a group, led by a park ranger. The weather was nice and breezy, not too cool. Ashley had packed items for a picnic. Once at the destination point, everyone spread out and ate, having the most incredible view of the mountains and forest one could ever hope to see. Neither one of them remembered who started the teasing, but by the time they reached their cabin, they were nearly tearing the other's clothes off. An afternoon of lovemaking was just another remedy for relaxation.

Ashley's stomach growled near Derek's ear. It was clear to them that the energy from their lunch was gone and it was time to refuel. Ashley found some clothes and headed towards the kitchen. Derek found his and stepped outside for a smoke. He ended up having a conversation with a couple a few cabins over who had seen him on television. They talked longer then he realized. Once dinner was done, Ashley went looking for him.

"There you are. I was thinking you had run off into the woods." He said as he saw the three men standing at the gate to their cabin.

"Oh no, I could never do that."

"We're sorry, it's entirely our fault."

"Yeah, once we realized who he was we had to stop and talk to him."

"Oh, you guys are fine. I just have to realize that I have a famous TV boyfriend." Ashley replied.

"This is my boyfriend, J. Ashley Jareau. This is Timothy and Antonio Barber from Chicago." They all shook hands.

"Great to meet you gentleman."

"Jareau? Of J & B Associates?" Ashley nodded. "Well, you both are famous to me. I profiled your company in several projects and papers for my MBA." Tim said.

"I'm glad I could be of help."

"Well we don't want to keep you guys long, I know it's close to dinner. We're going fishing tomorrow would you like to join us?" Antonio asked.

"That's actually on our agenda tomorrow. We'd love to have some company." Derek said. The new friends made plans to meet the next day.

Back inside, Derek was surprised by what he saw. Ashley had decorated the table with candles and flowers, which Derek was trying to figure out when Ashley would have had time to pick them. Dinner smelled wonderful from the kitchen. Ashley served dinner and the two talked excited about their upcoming events. Derek was clearing the table when Ashley asked if he wanted dessert.

"Of course. I still have room." Derek sat down at the table.

"Good." A few minutes later Ashley brought two bowls to the table. The peak from the dollop of cinnamon flavored whipped cream peaked over the top of the bowl. Underneath it, a warm slice of deep dish apple pie. It smelled heavenly. Ashley fed Derek the first spoonful. The sweet warm apples mixed with the spices and cranberries tingled in Derek's mouth.

"This is so awesome. I thought you only made this for special occasions."

"I do. And I did." Derek had confused look on his face. "Don't tell me you forgot this vacation is all about our first anniversary."

"Oh no! I didn't forget _that_. It's still a few days away though. Why not wait to serve the pie then?"

"Because I couldn't wait for that special occasion to see the smile on your face when you tasted it. So I created one of my own."

The Survivors

Mike Ruiz smiled as he looked around at the friends and family that filled the room. They were all there to help him and Raymond celebrate their anniversary. And surviving the evil horrors of rape and everything that followed. There were several components to their survival. Their counselor for one. Being able to express their feelings, especially for Ray was important. After all, his rapists were friends and people he trusted. Mike never realized how much his feelings would play into things. Of course, he was angry with these men; they had physically hurt someone that he dearly loved. The wounds and bruises had healed about three weeks later. The emotional scars were harder to get rid of. Love mixing with patience was a huge lesson for Mike to learn.

For a while, intimacy between the husbands was non-existent. Ray knew that Mike wasn't one of his attackers and what they did was nowhere near romantic, but Ray couldn't help but cringe and shy away from his husband's gentle touch. He could manage a small hug or kiss on the cheek or forehead maybe, but nothing more. It reminded Mike of when they first started dating. Raymond wanted to take things slow, just to be sure that this relationship was what he wanted. But now they were husbands and it hurt. Mike cried himself to hiccups in front of their counselor at the horrific thought that their marriage might be over if Ray couldn't heal. He wanted his husband back. Raymond had even gone back home to Tennessee for a few weeks, leaving Mike the loneliest he'd ever been. Seeing other friends and family members helped Ray to put things in perspective.

Music was another strong component. For a while, Ray couldn't even write music, much less listen to it. His felt that his first love was betraying him. Every note seemed to match up to a meaningless grunt, a harsh hand slap, angry words and crazy feelings. He would sit in front of his piano, staring at it like a zombie. Sheet music would be spread out on the worktable, pencil in hand, nothing flowing to paper. One day he remembered something that Detective Tutuola's husband Enrique said. After the follow-up interview that closed SVU's investigation, Fin invited them to dinner hoping that he and Enrique could help.

"Since you chose to survive, you need to _**live**_ like you survived. My friend, your life is waiting on you to return. It misses you and so does everyone else. When I was raped, I didn't have any inspiration for photography anymore. It all seemed so dirty and meaningless. Then one day I came across a photo that I had taken when I was first learning photography. I was _so_ proud of that picture; I felt it was my best work. I've done leaps and bounds beyond that since then. But it made me realize that photography was something I loved to do and _I was good at it_. Your music will come back to you because you love it and you're good at it. _**Come back to your life, live like you survived**_."

A few weeks later, he came across the first piece he had written after grad school. He remembered how proud of it he was, and how it made him feel. It was nothing compared to what he had added to his resume for the last few years, _but it reminded him of him_. At that point in his life, Ray was a very young man, determined to live life on his own terms. He was completely out to his friends and family, and was going to make a living writing music. **Nothing was going to stop him.** Ray made this his new mantra. He repeated it everyday, sometimes several times a day until he began to believe it again.

Praying family and friends were another strong component. Ray's father was a pastor and his mother a fervent intercessor. Even though the majority of people in their congregation didn't approve of the gay lifestyle (it was Tennessee and the Bible Belt after all), Pastor and First Lady Covington weren't about to leave their son without a support system during this turbulent time. The parents wouldn't be able to forgive themselves if they didn't take care of the still precious gift God had given them, their son. Some people left the church after learning of their support of their son. They could do nothing but wish them well and pray God's Blessings for them.

Mike and Ray attended a church with a large GLBT membership. Pastor Calvin had been to see them as well as many other members and everyone was praying for them. They all kept Mike company when Ray was in Tennessee, reassuring him the whole time that he would be back. They loved each other too much for him not to come back.

That leads to the last and maybe the most important component to their survival, their love for each other. The first few days were tough, but Mike had to go back to work. Everyone understood when he rescheduled his planner. He'd left Ray a small love note on the nightstand so he would see it when he woke up. He would call in the middle of the day to check on him. Mike accompanied him to doctor's visits, praying each time that he was safe from HIV. They went to counseling together.

Ray knew Mike loved him because he was there for him. In Mike's mind, there was no place else to be _but_ by his husband's side. Mike left encouraging notes and letters for Ray all the time. Even when he was away, Mike mailed letters and sent emails. But there was a time that Ray couldn't read them. So he collected them in order and read them when he was able to. Ray tried to leave some notes for Mike. It wasn't easy for him with his feelings still all over the place. The feelings that _were_ communicated, were greatly cherished by Mike. Nothing was taken for granted.

The DJ handed Mike a microphone. "Can I have everybody's attention please?" He asked. The partiers paused and turned their attention towards the stage. "I just want to thank all of you for being here tonight to celebrate with us. Ray, where are you baby?" The crowd cheered as he walked towards the stage and joined his husband.

"It's been a tough six months and we didn't think we would make it to this day," Ray said "but because of you and your prayers, we did. Words really aren't enough to thank you for all the encouragement. We really do love you." This statement was followed by "we love you too" s and "you're welcome" s.

"Tonight we are celebrating so much more than just five years of marriage. Two days ago, justice was served by the sentencing of Ray's attackers and we didn't have to wait long for it. Twenty-five years to life, no parole!" The crowd cheered even louder.

"We can't even tell you how satisfied and pleased we are. I feel so much safer knowing that they won't do this to anyone else." Ray said and people started dancing. Once everyone calmed down Mike addressed them again.

"Have you guys been loving the music the DJ has been playing?" Everyone clapped their appreciation. "Well, here's one more thing we are celebrating tonight. The music you've been hearing is from my husband's brand spanking new double-cd called 'My Muse and I'. And it will be available for digital download from iTunes tomorrow!" Their party guests went wild. Ray could do nothing but smile and blush at the adoration of his friends/family turned instant fans. When people realized that musicians were making their way to the stage, they began chanting Ray's name.

"Raymond, Raymond!"

"Would you guys like to hear some live music?" Ray asked. A unanimous "yes" followed that question.

"Let me introduce to you the sexiest and most gifted musician/songwriter I know. Here's my husband Raymond Covington-Ruiz and his band. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you Cup Of Tea." Ray kissed Mike before he headed back to the piano. Mike got off stage and took his place front and center to support his husband.


	9. Epilogue 2

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the songs or quotes mentioned. I do not own Logo TV or The A-List: New York. I don't own any of the products, quotes or song mentioned.

**Warning:** T for Language and quite a bit of it.

Epilogue Part 2

Letting Go

TJ was so happy that Adam was back in the city. He had missed him greatly; however, he was dreading the conversation they were going to have. They had dinner and seen a show the night before. It was a great night. And it didn't end in making love. TJ couldn't, knowing what was on his mind. Adam was at his own New York apartment doing interviews for several entertainment news shows and one website. Sometimes it was just easier for everyone who wanted an interview to come to one place and take a number.

Waiting for Adam to finish and come over was nerve wracking for TJ. He tried talking to Ryan but it didn't help much. At this point, the conversation was unavoidable and the situation was close to getting out of hand. When they first got together, TJ didn't know if he could actually handle a long distance relationship. He was proud of what he had accomplished so far. He cared for Adam and he did fall in love with the superstar. But now things were changing and he wasn't so sure of what to do now.

Adam finally made it to TJ's and he was glad they were alone. TJ's roommate was spending the night with a friend since he didn't know how long this conversation was going to be. Or how either would react.

"Hi Honey." Adam said as his kissed TJ. "Don't you look relaxed?"

"I try. Come sit." They sat on the couch facing each other. Adam with his left leg underneath him, TJ pulled his legs up resting his chin on his knee. He took a deep breath to steady his nerves and emotions.

"Is everything ok? You don't look so relaxed anymore. Has something happened?" TJ was thinking of how to best approach this.

"Not exactly." Adam frowned at those words. "I'm trying to think of the best way to say what I have to say." Adam held TJ's hand for support.

"Just tell me sweetie. There's never been a time when we haven't been able to talk to each other."

"Well, you know when we started dating that I had never been in a long distance relationship before."

"Yes…"

"And I said, 'What the hell, for a chance at love I'll give it a try.' And I have. This has been one the best relationships I've _ever_ been in. And I know it probably wouldn't have been without modern technology. I don't even want to think of how people did this before."

"It's been a great relationship for me too. It's been a long time since someone wanted me for me and not my fame." Adam could see the seriousness on TJ's face. "Come on; tell me what's going on." TJ sighed again.

"I met someone." He whispered. **Silence**. Adam slowly pulled his hand from TJ's grasp. "It's not exactly what you think."

"What the fuck TJ? What do you mean it's _not_ what I think it is? What am I _**supposed**_ to think?"

"He's just a friend." Adam's eyebrows rose.

"You expect me to believe _that_?" He replied with hurt and anger in his voice.

"Please, let me explain." TJ started to reach for Adam's hand but changed his mind. "We met at a fundraiser for Mike. He asked for our support, so we were there. We were standing at the bar and he came over and introduced himself. We all talked with him but somehow a little while later, it was just the two of us. And we talked about a lot of stuff."

"Does _he_ have a name?"

"His name is Lucas Roberts. His friends and family call him Luc. He's an English professor at NYU, with a doctorate and he's an advisor with the Gay Student Union. So we were talking about me coming to talk with the students about volunteering, supporting gay rights and things they could do as students. He also thought it would also be a good idea because so many of them had watched the show."

"And you **never** suspected that he had ulterior motives?"

"No, not at all! We exchanged info and met at a coffee shop to discuss schedules and what the students were doing. And I did. I had a great time talking with them. I even helped some of them come out to their parents."

"So why are you making this seem like you have feelings for him?"

"I didn't… at first, but now I do. We had been working together for weeks and the subject of our personal lives had never come up. Ever. He asked me if I was single one day. I told him no and I started talking about you and how great our relationship was. I don't think he knew it but his disappointment was all over his body. He tried not to show it, changed the subject and that was it. He started hanging out with us, he became a friend. He works out with Richen and Rodiney sometimes. Ryan has cut his hair. And it seems like we've known him forever. Ryan and Derek even mentioned once that they thought he was interested in me for other reasons, but I dismissed it."

"So when did he tell you he was interested in you?" Adam's tone was flat and disgusted.

"He didn't. He told Ryan. He waited 'til I had a day off and came to the salon. He asked Ryan how serious our relationship really was. Ryan told him that it was solid, which it is. Or was. We didn't have any problems."

"Until now." TJ nodded.

"Yeah, until now. Well, Luc told Ryan that he had a crush on me and he felt that it could be more than a crush."

"More than a crush?"

"Luc told Ryan that he thought he might be falling in love with me. Then he swore him to secrecy. Which I thought Ryan would _never_ do to me."

"And what did your best friend say?"

"Ryan encouraged him keep it just friends. What Luc didn't know was how sexy I thought he was. I mean, we'd dance together, laugh and flirt a little but I would never act on anything. It was harmless fun."

"You think flirting with him was _harmless fun_?" Adam asked as he felt tears hovering at the back of his eyes.

"Yeah. I mean, I flirt with Richen and Rodiney all the time. It's harmless fun."

"Well, they're not in love with you TJ, Luc is. It's not harmless." TJ could hear the pain appearing in Adam's voice. It was clear that he was hurt. He buried his head in his knees for a few minutes, trying to figure out how to proceed.

"We were all supposed to have dinner at Mike and Ray's one night and he backed out of it. Then he started backing out a lot of friend things- dinner, movie night, clubbing. We would see him at charity events and stuff but he refused to hang out with us. So I asked him what was his deal. He told me that he didn't want to jeopardize my relationship with you. I told him our relationship was strong; there was nothing that could mess it up. Then he confessed that he wanted to kiss me. **And. I. Froze.** I didn't know what the hell to say. I didn't know how to feel. He confessed that he was spending less time with us so he wouldn't have to see me and it would be easier to get over me. But it didn't work; he thinks about me all the time."

"So did you kiss him?"

"No! I could never."

"But you thought about it?" Tears began to flow from TJ's eyes. "You did, didn't you?" TJ nodded slowly.

"Yeah, I did."

"Shit." Adam replied. He looked at TJ in anger. "Why the hell are you crying?"

"Because I'm confused! Luc seriously wants a relationship with me. And as much as I'm in love with you, I can't help but think…"

"Think what?"

"I can't help but think what if. What if we had never met and I met him instead. What if I _had_ let him kiss me? How far would it have gone? Would I have cheated?"

"So what do you want?"

"I don't know." Adam threw up his hands in frustration.

"**This is crazy!** Either you want me or you want him. Which is it?"

"Adam I love you, I do. But I have come to like Lucas too. And I can see him as more than just a friend." Adam stood up from the couch wiping his tears that had finally fallen.

"I can't hear this right now. I just can't." He headed towards the door.

"Adam wait!" TJ cried out, trying to reach him before he got to the door. "Don't leave, please." He said wiping his tears with the back of his hand. "We can talk this out."

"No, not right now we can't." Adam said, the hurt extremely evident in his voice. TJ tried to grab Adam's arm and pull him back to the couch.

"Yes, we can. We _always_ talk it out."

"We can't talk about **this **right now."Adam yanked his arm back. "Do you even _**understand**_ how I'm feeling right now TJ? My boyfriend, that'd be you in case you forgot, has just told me that he might be in love with someone else. Would _you_ want to talk after hearing that?" TJ was silent. "No, I didn't think so. I need to leave. Right now. I'll call you before I leave New York." Adam unlocked the door.

"Adam please…" Adam just looked at TJ with disgust, left and slammed the door behind him. TJ slid down the wall to the floor and became a bundle of tears. He cried until he thought he couldn't and then he cried some more until he fell asleep. That's exactly where his roommate found him the next morning- tearstained face, stopped up nose and puffy eyes- asleep on the floor.

Once Ryan arrived, he and the roommate managed to get TJ off the floor and cleaned up. He finally told them what happened.

"TJ honey, I didn't know you felt that way about Luc. This is bad on so many levels." Ryan said.

"What do I do? He was _so_ hurt when he left. I've **never **_**ever**_ in my life hurt someone like that. And I didn't even cheat on him!"

"Well, maybe you two should take a break. It will give you some time to think about who you really want."

"How much time?"

"I would say you need at least two months to yourself. Then maybe you and Luc can go out on a few dates and see how things go." TJ sighed and shook his head.

"How did I get in this situation?"

"I don't know, but we'll get you out of it."

A few days later, Adam contacted TJ and asked if they could meet. TJ said yes and they agreed to meet at the salon after hours. Ryan was going to step out for a bit and let them talk, but Adam insisted that he stay; he wasn't going to be there long. TJ invited him to sit down anyway. Ryan sat quietly and listened.

"I wanna apologize again for the way things have turned out. I never expected this to happen." TJ said.

"I'm not sure I'm ready to accept your apology yet, but thanks anyway. You know what upsets me the most is that you broke our promise."

"Our promise?"

"Our promise that the moment we thought someone else might come into our lives to tell the other and we could discuss it. This situation is months old and you never told me. **You never told me**. Here I am traveling and working, thinking you're all about us and there is someone else trying to get in the picture. And you're letting him!"

"Would it have made a difference if I had?"

"Hell yeah! I wouldn't have felt so blindsided. I wouldn't have felt like you cheated on me."

"But I _didn't_ Adam. I didn't kiss him or anything."

"Maybe not physically, but emotionally you were _not_ in our relationship." TJ realized that Adam was right. As long as he was thinking of Lucas, he was not thinking of them.

"So what do you want to do?"

"Well, since you can't decide who you want, I'll decide for you. Why don't you just be with Lucas?" The tone in his voice made his words seem like mini daggers, stinging all over.

"You don't have to be mean like that Adam."

"I'm hurt TJ, what else to you expect me to be? Hurt people hurt other people. You weren't sure about being in a long distance relationship anyway, so maybe this is exactly what you need, someone who is here with you." Ryan could see that Adam was fighting back tears.

"I know I said I would be quiet, but may I add my two cents?" Adam shrugged as if to say it was ok. "Well, when Lucas first mentioned how he felt about TJ, I told him to stay out of it, begged him to stay out of it. But that was before I realized that TJ had feelings for him too. I know you may not what to hear this, but I did suggest to TJ that maybe you two _should_ take a break from each other. Spend some time by yourselves, re-evaluate who you are and want you want. And maybe, just _maybe_ you both can venture out to attempt to date someone else and see if 'Adam and TJ' are where you really want to be." The hurting couple looked at each other. "After a certain amount of agreed upon time, you'll sit down and talk and really decide if being together is for you."

"What do you think?" TJ whispered. Adam gave him a look that could kill. "What if we spent some time apart?"

"TJ, we're in a long distance relationship; we're _**always**_ apart." TJ gave a hopeless sigh. "But sure if that's what you want, you got it." Adam stood up and prepared to leave. "We're no longer a couple. Do whatever you need to do for you. Let me know what you finally decide." Then Adam left.

Where I Wanna Be

When Austin exited the plane, his emotions were all over the place. He was anxious, nervous, cautious, in love, hopeful. He had plenty of time to decide what he wanted. Every time he looked at Jake's ring, he knew what he had to do. But could he do it? He always claimed that Reichen was just a friend. Reichen backed up his story. But the truth of the matter was that Austin wanted to be with Reichen; he wanted to be where Rodiney was.

And he thought he might have had a chance right before Reichen met Rodiney. He really didn't think they would develop into a couple. Rodiney was bisexual and never really been in a relationship with a man. Reichen had never been single longer than a few weeks to a month at a time. The weekend that Austin met Reichen was a drunken good party time. Was it the alcohol that made him want Reichen? No, because the feelings continued after they had gone their separate ways. And this reality show was bringing up so many feelings and emotions from the past that neither Austin nor Reichen knew what to do with them. They couldn't act on them. Well, they could but there would be harsh consequences since each man was involved with someone else.

When the rumors and lies started flowing, Austin began to regret what he'd said and who he'd said it to. But he wouldn't admit that out loud. The only men who would know if Reichen were a "bad cock-sucker", (Austin's own words) would be those who decided to be intimate with him. No one ever asked Austin how he really knew. Austin was jealous of Rodiney. He would have been jealous of any man who was in Reichen's life. But he just thought Rodiney was all wrong, although he could never come up with a list. Well, a list that Richen could accept.

When he was called for the show, he didn't mind much that he and Jake were apart. He was hoping that Reichen was single. No such luck. And instead of trying to be friendlier, he was tearing up what little friendship was left between the two of them. And after Rodiney and Reichen had turned him down for a threesome, he felt abandoned. Jake was gone and he couldn't even get laid by the couple who, for a while, liked to invite someone into their bed.

Austin had to really re-evaluate who he needed in his life. On one hand, he could be the lost little puppy, running behind Reichen, nipping at his heels causing Reichen to kick and ignore him instead of picking him up and nurturing him. On the other, there was Jake. A man who was more than ready to love Austin with every single flaw, love all of his crazy friends, be ok with a crazy work and travel schedule. He wanted love, he wanted stability. He wanted Jake. No, he needed Jake. It was the reason he was on this long flight from New York to the UK.

They had planned their wedding a while ago and neither of them bothered to change anything when Jake left to come back to the UK. Their suits were still available, the setting, the reception hall, everything was available. The question was would either of the grooms be there? Once Austin was through customs, he hailed a cab and headed straight for Jake's apartment. It used to be their apartment. But with this decision in his mind, it was going to be theirs again.

Jake stood warily in the hallway, ready to call the police at what sounded like someone about to break into the apartment. The door opened but was halted by the security chain. Again, the intruder tried nearly breaking the door down. Jake didn't have a gun but thought if the intruder thought he had one maybe he would leave.

"Oy, you've got two seconds to get 'way from my door or I'll come out and blast ya with my gun!"

"Jake open the door!"

"I mean it!"

"Jake, it's me Austin! Come open the door." Jake walked cautiously to the door and peeked through the gap made by the security chain. "Please?"

"Austin, it's the middle of the freakin' night." Jake said as he finally opened the door where he saw Austin standing with a couple of suitcases. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Jake, we need to talk."

"What, you forgot how to use a phone and decided to hop on a plane instead?"

"I needed to see you, in person." Jake sighed, wiped his eyes with the back of his hands but slowly stepped aside to let Austin in. Austin carried his bags over to the couch and stood next to it. After closing and locking the door, Jake just stood there and looked at Austin.

"Now that you woke me up, what do you want?" Austin went into his pocket and pulled out the ring that Jake had left on the counter over a month ago and offered it to him.

"I brought your ring back."

"You could have sent that in the mail. Austin, why are you _here_?"

"We're supposed to get married in a few weeks."

"Yeah, and?"

"So, I'm here to marry you." Jake gave Austin a look that said he didn't want to be bothered.

"And what makes you think I still want to marry you?"

"You didn't cancel anything. Everything is still available; I called and checked." Jake sat down on the couch.

"Neither did you so we're even."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why didn't you cancel anything?" Austin asked as he sat next to his lover.

"Why didn't you?"

"Come on Jake, I asked you first." Jake looked away and sighed.

"I was going to cancel everything tomorrow…well today now that it's after midnight. I gave you a month and in that month I expected you to call so we could talk and possibly work things out."

"You could have called me."

"I wasn't the one who had second thoughts about being in this relationship; you were. You were the one who wanted to be with Reichen or Rodiney. Or both."

"But I was lonely without you."

"Then you should have stayed here! With me. Things would be so much different now if you had."

"I wouldn't have been able to do the show."

"The show, the show, the show. That's all you talk about. What about us? Huh? What about the plans we made? Did you forget about those as well?"

"How can you say that?"

"How can _**I **_say that?" Jake asked standing up. "How can I- are you kidding me right now?"

"Jake this show is opening up all kinds of opportunities for me."

"Yeah, like sleeping with Richen and Rodiney."

"They turned me down."

"Ha, not good enough for them huh?"

"No it wasn't like that. They encouraged me to think about what I really wanted. _What I really needed in my life._ That's how they stopped their open relationship. And _that's_ what I've been doing. Thinking about us."

"You expect me to believe that?" Jake asked.

"Whether you believe it or not, I'm here. But I hope you do. I love you Jake and I want to be with you. I _need_ to be with you." Austin said as he got up and walked closer to Jake. He gently took Jake's hand and placed the ring inside. "I know we have some work to do on us. I'm willing to work if you are."

"Austin, I just don't know."

"We've got a little time to talk before our ceremony."

"I don't know if it's going to be enough time."

"It will be, if we make the time." Austin replied. "Look, I know woke you up and I appreciate you letting me in. If it's ok with you, I'd like to crash in the guest room and I'll go to a hotel later." Austin turned to grab his luggage and head towards the guest room. Jake looked down at the ring in his hand. He thought about the letter that he'd left with it. He clearly remembered writing: _**When you figure out what you want, you know where to find me.**_

"You really want to work this out don't you?" Jake asked. Austin turned to look at him.

"Yes, I do. Don't you?" Tears formed in Jake's eyes and streamed down his face as his answer caught in his throat.

"Yeah, I do." He reached out, grabbed Austin's hand and pulled him into an emotional embrace.

Starting Over?

A/N: Reichen's thoughts in _**bold italic, **_Portuguese in _italics___and translation in parenthesis.

Richen sat quietly at the table, trying to ignore the sneaky photog who had snuck into the restaurant, by burying his head into the menu. He was waiting patiently for Rodiney. Reichen thought a nice quiet dinner between the two would be good before the second season of their show got too far under way.

"_Oi__lindo_ (Hi gorgeous)." Came the familiar sweet sound of Rodiney Santiago. Reichen turned around and smiled as he stood to greet him.

"_Me__lindo__?__Olhe para você! __(_Me gorgeous? Look at you!)" The gentlemen hugged and kissed each other on the cheek. "Please, have a seat."

"Thank you." Rodiney replied as he slid into the opposite side of the booth.

"You look so good! I didn't think it had been that long since we'd seen each other but I guess I was wrong. It's been a while."

"A little while." Rodiney said as their server came to the table to take his drink order. "Papa was looking forward to seeing you when I was visiting my niece." Reichen took a sip of his drink.

"I know but I just didn't feel right. I would have felt like I was intruding on family or something."

"They still feel that you are family." Rodiney replied.

"I know. Mama feels the same way about you. She was kinda looking forward to cooking a lot of food for us." They each laughed.

"Yeah, I definitely ate too much at Thanksgiving."

"Oh, but it was all so good."

"Yes, it was." The server came back with Rodiney's drink and asked for their food order. "I'm not really hungry."

"How about an appetizer platter then?" Reichen asked pointing to the menu. The server took the order and left.

"Was everyone really disappointed that I wasn't there?" Rodiney asked.

"A few were. I hadn't been home in a while and everyone just assumed that you were coming with me. Mama was hoping you'd change your mind and come skiing with us. She thought I didn't invite you."

"I know; I talked to her. She really wanted to see me. She says next time she's here in New York that we are having lunch or dinner, just me and her." Reichen laughed.

"I think our families are taking our break up harder than we are."

"I think because they thought we had finally worked everything out. It's hard to explain to everyone that it was a friendly split. This time anyway."

"I agree." Reichen replied. "It was hard to explain after our episode of Dr. Phil aired. I still wonder why they waited so long to air it." Rodiney shrugged his shoulders. "It was just weird to see us together when we weren't together."

"I know right? But it was good exposure and it was kind of funny."

"Yeah, you and your dancing." They laughed again at each other and the fun they had together. The server brought their food. "So how have you really been?"

"Things are good. I'm getting more modeling job. I'm so proud of the website and my calendar."

"That calendar was hot. Are you doing another one?"

"I don't know. It was a good experience for me."

"I stopped by Mike's studio the other day and I saw some photos he had taken of you. They were damn beautiful." Rodiney blushed a little.

"Aww thank you. He's easy to work with. And I love the way the pictures come out."

"He's a good guy. And Ray too." Reichen said.

"I listen to Ray's CD to help me relax at night when I can't sleep."

"Really?" Rodiney nodded. "Do you have trouble sleeping a lot?"

"Uh, sometimes. I get nervous the night before a shoot. Sometimes if I've been out clubbing I can't get comfortable, the music helps me. Sometimes I can't sleep because I'm missing you." Rodiney looked down, avoiding Reichen's eyes. He didn't want Reichen to know how much he missed him at times. This touched Reichen's heart because he knew Rodiney had no idea just how much he missed their relationship too. Reichen reached across the table and gentle grabbed Rodiney's hand.

"I miss you a lot too." He whispered and Rodiney managed to look up.

"What do you miss most?" Reichen chuckled at the question.

"Depends on the day. Some days, it's your laugh. Some days it's the conversation. I mean I can talk to Hans kitty but when she gets bored off she goes. I miss talking about our days together, cooking together. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss waking up next to you."

"Yeah?" Reichen nodded. "I miss teaching you Portuguese. You got pretty good for a while."

"Yeah, I was getting the hang of it."

"I miss waking up with you too."

"Have you dated anybody since we broke up?" Rodiney shook his head.

"Nothing serious. I've been out to lunch, dinner, dancing. I had a little too much to drink one night while I was home and had a one night stand with a guy I grew up with."

"Protected of course?"

"Yes, protected. I always thought he was cute but never had the guts to talk to him back then. It was nothing. How about you?"

"The same. Lots of making out and almost sex. Lots of lonely moments."

"How do you think our fans will react when they find out we aren't together anymore?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I think more people know than we think. A lot of people thought we didn't belong together anyway."

"True."

"And I can see people saying that a breakup was inevitable, which may or may not be true. But we broke up on our terms, not anyone else's. We decided to remain friends."

"Yes."

"What do you say to hitting a club? I don't have anything else to do tonight."

"Sounds like fun."

An hour later found the former lovers in a club dancing and sharing drinks with friends. While sitting with some friends, Reichen seemed to zone out of the conversation when he saw Rodiney talking to someone new. Jealously crept in. This guy really seemed interested in him too. _**Why am I so jealous?**_ Reichen watched as they danced. _**Rodiney and I are just friends.**_ After a few songs, he watched them exchange numbers. _**He's free to meet whomever, it shouldn't matter to me.**_ Then the stranger gave Rodiney a kiss on the cheek. _**I know we've both moved on but I never thought it would hurt to see him smile at someone the way he used to smile at me.**_

These little depressing thoughts had Reichen drinking a little more than he intended to do. He wasn't drunk yet but he definitely was feeling all the affects of the alcohol. He managed to straighten himself up enough to dance a few songs with Rodiney. The slow song reminded him of some of their intimate times together, dancing before making love. As Reichen closed his eyes, the rest of the club patrons and noise melted away; it was just him and Rodiney, in each other's arms.

Soon the last call came from the bar and patrons starting spilling out into the early morning and they followed. The nighttime air seemed like ice to their cheeks after being inside the hot club. Reichen held on to Rodiney's hand so he wouldn't get lost in the crowds of people heading for the subway or hailing cabs. They walked to a small clearing across the street from the club, Reichen still holding Rodiney's hand. He pulled Rodiney closer to him and kissed him gently on the lips. Rodiney returned the kiss and soon it became passionate. After pulling away for air, Reichen gently caressed Rodiney's cheek, feeling the stubble. Reichen blushed at what was about to say.

"I can't believe that I'm going to ask you this."

"Ask me what?" Reichen leaned against the building with his shoulder, still holding Rodiney's hand.

"You want to come home with me, for a little while?"

"What?" was the reply with shock in the voice.

"Come home with me tonight. Maybe we can watch a movie, listen to music, dance a little or-"

"Or what?"

"We could be together; you know _apenas nós_ (just us)."Rodiney smiled.

"Like old times."

"Yeah. So what do you say?"Rodiney thought about it for a minute. "Come on; we both miss that and we can get it back tonight."

"Reichen-" His response was interrupted by another kiss. "Reichen, _namorada_ (sweetheart), I miss that too but I think we should wait."

"Wait? Why? There's no better time than right now."

"I had a really good time with you tonight."

"Me too; absolutely fabulous time." Reichen said as he was trying to kiss Rodiney's neck.

"We've had quite a bit to drink…"

"Yeah…" Reichen replied kissing Rodiney's lips again.

"And I think our emotions are all over the place."

"We're just a cab ride away from our hands and lips joining our emotions." Reichen leaned in for another kiss and Rodiney stopped him by placing his index finger against them. He shook his head indicating that them sleeping together that night would not be a good idea.

"As much I want to, I don't think we should."Reichen gave Rodiney a nearly irresistible pout. Rodiney growled when he saw it. "_Que é tão__sexy_ (That is so sexy)."

"I know. I'll pout all night if you want."

"No, Reichen. I think we should wait."

"Why? So you can get to know that guy you met tonight?"

"No, we should wait because we aren't sure what we want. We're friends and a part of me will always love you. But I have to decide, we have to decide, if we want to be in love again." Reichen sighed and his shoulders sank in defeat.

"And we can't make that decision in one night."

"Right." Rodiney looked into Reichen's eyes and nearly melted at the emotion.

"So are we starting over?" Rodiney shrugged.

"Maybe. Who knows? We take it one step at a time, ok?"

"Ok." This time Rodiney reached up to kiss the taller man and after the kiss, he whispered...

"_Boa noite,__minha querida._ (Good night, my darling.)"

"_Boa noite_ (Good night)." Reichen replied as he released his former lover's hand. Rodiney was walking towards a row of cabs waiting for fares when his phone rang.

"Hello?" He answered.

"Call or text me to let me know you made it home safe ok?" Rodiney looked back behind him, seeing Reichen in the background.

"I will." Then Rodiney slipped into the waiting cab.


End file.
